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What Does Transgender Day of Remembrance Mean to Parents?
November 20, 2009
When babies are born, we envision their lives to be happy and successful, and many of those visions are gender-based. Baby boys receive stuffed footballs and baseballs to encourage them to grow up to enjoy sports. Girls receive cuddly bunnies and dolls to prepare for their future motherhood.
This happens even though we enjoy more freedom from traditional gender roles than in the past. Today’s baby boys may grow up to be primary child care givers, and today’s baby girls may build houses and run financial institutions. That’s the good news. The bad news is that life is still difficult for children whose gender is more complicated than career choices. For these children, atypical gender could cost them their life.
For individuals whose gender identity does not match their physical sex (transgender), life can be very difficult. Each day is fraught with concerns about not fitting into parents’, friends’ and society’s expectations. Very young children may struggle to hide their true feelings for fear of being teased, punished or bullied. Puberty can be an extremely challenging time for transgender children whose bodies change and become even more foreign to them.
Transgender children, teens and adults are among the most marginalized people in our society. Every day, they face the threat or realization of emotional or physical abuse. Many transgender individuals have been murdered simply for trying to be who they really are. Today is National Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day set aside to remember those who have lost their lives because of their trans identity (or others’ perception of their identity).
What does this mean for parents? If your child consistently self-identifies as expected, based on his or her physical sex, please be a role model for empathy for people of all gender identities and forms of expression. Avoid making jokes and snide remarks when you see someone who doesn’t fit your idea of “normal,” and correct your children if they do. If your child consistently self-identifies in a way that surprises you, discuss your observations with your child’s physician or a gender specialist. By all means, support your child’s freedom to be gender expressive in a way that suits your child’s self-identity.
In the scheme of things, it’s not important that our boys be boys or girls be girls. It is important that all children, teens and adults feel loved, respected, and safe.
Resources for Parents of Transgender Children
Always My Child: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered or Questioning Son or Daughter
Kevin Jennings with Pat Shapiro, MSW
The text addresses issues ranging from communicating with your child to answering questions, recognizing signs of harassment, and being an advocate for your child.
10,000 Dresses
Marcus Ewert
This great children’s picture book focuses on self-acceptance and identity and features Bailey, an openly transgender protagonist who dreams of beautiful dresses despite a family that keeps reminding him, “You’re a boy, and that’s that.”
She’s Not There
Jennifer Finney Boylan
This one’s for parents of transgender children, or for teens identifying themselves as transgender who need a boost of courage. It’s the autobiography of Jennifer, who was anatomically male but identified as female. Jennifer was past 40 before she had surgery to make her body suit her self image, and she’s now a beautiful female college professor (she retained her job after her physical transformation). The book includes a chapter by her male best friend, who gives an honest account of how difficult it was for him to understand and accept the author’s transition.
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