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Sex, Lies, and Virginity Pledges
April 30, 2009
When my sisters and I were little, our parents made it clear that the consequences for lying would be worse than the punishment for our screw ups. We slipped a few times, but we grew into responsible adults thanks to our parents’ consistent emphasis on honesty and integrity.
I doubt a parent exists–including my parents and me–who hasn’t been lied to at some point, and the natural response is to feel angry and frustrated. Immediate consequences are essential but so is a deeper lesson about the value of honesty. Children need to know that truth is not conditional. When taught this lesson early and often, they may be less likely to risk their health and others’ health when they become sexually active later on.
A popular boy at my high school bragged about telling sex partners he couldn’t impregnate them because he had had a vasectomy; he even showed them a tiny scar as proof, a scar his best friend said was actually from minor surgery to correct a vascular problem. The boy eventually married a classmate after getting her pregnant, and while I don’t know if he told his vasectomy lie to her, I do know that becoming a young spouse and parent hadn’t been in his plans, and it probably wasn’t the life his bride had planned, either.
Carelessness, lack of planning and ignorance can result in pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection (STI), but dishonesty can be a contributing factor, too. Partners can lie about their health status, their intentions, and their use of protection against STIs and pregnancy. At best, the lies can be emotionally distressing; at worst, life altering.
The clash between intention and reality
Some parents believe that asking their children to take a virginity pledge will protect them from the emotional and physical risks of sexual activity. That view assumes teens have an adult capacity to think and act rationally. In truth, teens may intend to honor the pledge, but statistically, they’ll only hold out for about 18 months longer than teens who don’t pledge. It’s not a matter of being dishonest when they make the pledge; rather, it’s a reflection of conflicting desires and changing perceptions.
Harvard University researchers studied the responses of seventh- through twelfth-grade students who participated in the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health and found that teens who pledge to remain virgins until marriage are likely to deny having taken the pledge if they later become sexually active. Conversely, those who were sexually active before taking the pledge frequently deny their sexual history.
Study author Janet Rosenbaum was quoted in the American Journal of Public Health as saying that teens who deny their sexual pasts actually perceive their new history to be correct, which can lead them to underestimate their risk of contracting STI from pre-pledge sexual behavior.
Honesty is a key ingredient of healthy sexuality. If one partner cannot trust the other to tell the truth about previous sexual activity, they are both at increased risk. And as the research shows, some teens are even lying to themselves.
Be honest about what you can control
Parents cannot force teens to abide by their rules or recommendations regarding sexual activity. They can, however, consistently emphasizing the importance of honesty in all areas of life, both with others and oneself. When these messages are repeated from early childhood through the teenage years, parents are doing their best to keep their children happy and healthy as they grow up.
Tips for Teaching Honesty to Young Children
- Explain what honesty is and why it is important, using age-appropriate language and examples.
- Praise honesty, especially when it would have been tempting to lie.
- Model honesty. Observing you tell “little white lies” will confuse children who cannot differentiate the seriousness of one lie versus another.
- Don’t react so strongly to infractions that your child is afraid to tell the truth. Institute reasonable consequences that fit the infraction, and explain them calmly so your child is apologetic, not fearful.
Tips for Encouraging Honesty in Adolescents and Teens
- Converse regularly with your older children. If your schedules prohibit family dinners on weeknights, create other opportunities for conversation. Let your child know you are available for and open to dialog.
- Spend more time listening than speaking.
- Give up the grudge. Even children who lied in the past can grow and change. Explain that you want to wipe the slate clean.
- Allow older children the privacy to think freely and interact socially with peers. This means assuring them you won’t read their diaries, rifle their bedroom drawers, or spy on their conversations. Giving teens some space can encourage them to be more honest with you when it counts. Retain your right to investigate if their safety is at issue, of course.
- Reserve judgment. Your first impression of your children’s friends may be negative, but that may change once you get to know them. If you prohibit your child from socializing with them, you may set the scene for your child to sneak around behind your back.
- Set limits and make suggestions, but don’t require adolescents and teens to make promises and pledges they may not be able to keep.
- Invite conversation about how sexual activity fits into human relationships. Discuss how honesty or dishonesty can affect one’s decisions to be sexually active, and discuss the possible rewards and ramifications of specific decisions.
