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Abstinence-Only Driver’s Ed?
May 1, 2010
This is a fantastic post on how driver’s ed would look if it were taught like abstinence-only-’til-marriage sex ed. I would like to point out that as that post makes abundantly clear, telling someone to “just say no” is ineffective. Teaching — even encouraging–abstinence can be a good thing because everyone needs the skills and self-confidence to set and maintain boundaries. But, everyone also needs to be educated so that if they changed their minds at some point about abstinence, they can protect themselves from unintended consequences.
Keep Your Teen Sexually Safe on Prom Night
April 23, 2010
This post is for parents on the front lines of Senior Prom. You’re facing a battle for your teen’s safety because it’s not uncommon for teens to have first-time sex after their prom. My teen spies tell me that they know of peers who are renting hotel rooms, especially when they are established couples.
Teens in relationships may have discussed sex and negotiated boundaries already, but other teens may need to make decisions on the spot. You can help your teen make informed choices by discussing post-prom possibilities and responses.
Discuss the possibility of a date’s expectation of sexual activity. Your teen should be prepared with either a) contraceptives; or b) a comfortable way to turn down sexual advances. Contraceptives are easy — either your teen already has them, or you can drop some condoms and an over-the-counter method (foam, film, inserts, gel) in your teen’s room. Just in case.
If your teen doesn’t want to have sex, it’s important to emphasize that your teen must communicate directly and consistently that sex isn’t going to happen on prom night. Remember that both males and females can be pressured to have sex.
Step One: Tell your teen to decline invitations to go to a private hotel room, a home without parents present, the beach or a lookout point, etc. Even group situations can get dicey if couples pair off and disappear, leaving your teen alone with a date.
Step Two: Have a response in mind to get out of pressured situations: ”I like you, but we need to spend more time together before we consider having sex,” ”It’s really important to me to wait until I’m older/monogamous/married, etc.,” “I like you, but I have get home by curfew or my parents will ground me for weeks.”
Discuss drugs and alcohol and their impact on reasoned decision making, i.e., after using drugs or alcohol, your teen will no longer be able to make reasoned decisions. Also discuss the risks of driving under the influence.
Discuss the importance of driving without distractions. No texting, phone use, tickling, rough housing, yelling, or any other distracting behavior.
Attend the pre-prom photo session. Sure, you can say you’re there to shoot pics of everyone all decked out, but you can also see whether the hosting parents are serving booze. Serving alcohol to minors is a crime in most places, even in a private home.
Know who your teen will be hanging out with before, during, and after the prom. Collect cell phone numbers for at least two of your teen’s prom-night friends.
Insist on check-in calls when you teen leaves the prom and arrives at the post-prom destination. If that’s your home, consider making pancakes or another early-morning snack so you can connect with your teen and ensure everything’s OK.
Prom should be a highlight of your teen’s years in high school. By helping your teen think through possible scenarios, you can help your teen have great prom memories.
Dance Floor Etiquette
April 23, 2010
In honor of wedding season, I’m re-posting an entry on ballroom etiquette. It’s great advice for anyone interested in a genteel approach on the dance floor.
Dance cards and white gloves may be gone, but the etiquette of social dance is still in style. Gracious behavior can make prom night even more memorable.
Dance floor manners follow codes of behavior established long ago in Europe, says Peter Vaco, director of Indigo Ballroom, in Somerville. A native of Slovakia, Vaco has danced competitively and professionally in Europe and the United States for more than 20 years.
“Lately, there has been a lack of manners at dances because young people think the rules are repressive. In reality, the rules are elegant and teach young men and women how to behave in a relationship,” says Vaco.
Dance etiquette can help in other situations also, he says. The straight posture required for ballroom dance lends an air of confidence, and good manners can impress everyone from peers to potential employers.
“In dance clubs, people have a hard time approaching each other because they don’t know the rules. Ballroom dance rules teach people how to remove the barriers, which is good because dancing brings people together,” says Vaco. The basic principle of dance etiquette is respect. Vaco describes dancing as a game between the man, who invites the woman to dance and is the leader on the floor, and the woman, who follows his lead. Creative partners of the same or different genders can play with which partner takes the lead.
“That sounds funny to feminists, but it’s a healthy way to create respect and a 50-50 relationship. No one goes for a free ride when they dance as equal partners,” says Vaco.
Every high school has its own prom customs, but good manners will impress people in any environment. Vaco gives the following advice for male and female dancers, which also apply to couples of same gender. The rules apply to proms, clubs, weddings and other social occasions.
“To start, the man should always seat the woman so she can enjoy the view of the whole room. When the man sits with his back to the room, he’s saying that he is only interested in looking at his date, not at the other women in the room,” says Vaco.
To ask a woman to dance, the man should approach her and ask, “May I dance with you?” while extending his hand. The woman should accept by putting her hand in her partner’s and walk with him onto the dance floor. Neither partner should walk in front unless the couple must pass through a door or go upstairs to reach the dance floor.
“If they go through a door, the man should go first so he can open the door. On stairs, man goes first so can give her a helping hand and avoid looking up her skirt,” says Vaco. When the song ends, the man may bow slightly in front of the woman to show respect, and she should nod her head to him, Vaco says.
“The man should then take the woman’s arm and lead her back to her chair, which puts closure on the dance. A nice touch is for the man to pull out the woman’s chair so she can sit down at her table,” he says. Some couples prefer to dance only with their date, while others happily dance with other partners, including those who have attended the event solo.
“In dance society, you don’t have to be someone’s boyfriend to dance with her. You can dance several dances together and then say, ‘Thank you very much for dancing with me’ before returning her to her table,” says Vaco. It may once have been permissible for a man to cut in and replace a man on the dance floor, but Vaco says that’s a good way to start a conflict on the floor today. He suggests waiting until a song ends to request a dance with someone else’s partner.
“When the song ends, you can say to the guy, ‘Do you mind if I dance with your date?’ and he should be flattered,” says Vaco. When dancing, women should leave their evening bags on a chair or bring a very small purse they can easily hold on the dance floor. At some proms, tradition allows women to kick off their high heels and dance in socks, but Vaco suggests a more tasteful alternative: comfortable shoes.
“In a ballroom that’s very fancy, you don’t take your shoes off no matter how free you feel about yourself. For a proper ballroom dance, you wear shoes designed for dancing,” he says. The best dance shoes have suede soles that glide easily on the floor without slipping. Shoe repair shops can add suede soles to regular shoes for roughly $20.
Teen Males Need More Sex Ed
April 21, 2010
Teen males aren’t getting the sexual health counseling they need from healthcare providers about HIV and sexually transmitted infections. A New York Times article points out that fewer than one-quarter of teen males received provider counseling about STIs, and fewer than one-fifth were counseled about contraception. Only 26% of teen males engaging in high-risk sex were counseled. The study was conducted to learn whether more counseling is being done now than in 1995 and 2002; no improvement was observed.
If healthcare providers aren’t educating teens about sex, who does? Schools can, but only if you live in a state that mandates education about STIs and contraceptives. And even then, some schools don’t check to ensure that teachers actually deliver the curriculum. I have visited schools without sex ed because the teachers are uncomfortable with the topic. Parents must pick up the slack. Whether you have a son or a daughter, and regardless of whether you think your teen is sexually active, please provide information about STI’s and how to lower the risks of transmission.
Tips for Talking about STIs
- Avoid scare tactics. Scary photos of skin lesions and discharge don’t work. Instead, speak matter of factly and point out that many STIs have no visible symptoms.
- Promote delayed intercourse. The longer teens wait to have oral, anal or vaginal intercourse, the fewer lifetime partners they are likely to have. Fewer partners means lower exposure to STIs.
- Know the facts. I’ve posted a short PowerPoint slide deck in my Resources area. It covers the STIs that Health Departments are most concerned about, and it provides facts about the four categories of STIs and information about symptoms, potential effects, and treatment options. You may want to review the slides with your teen.
- Emphasize the importance of safer sex choices. Deciding not to have intercourse in is the safest choice, of course. Teens often don’t realize they have options other than intercourse to express attraction and caring for a partner. Discuss the options (hugging, snuggling, kissing, fondling, massage…). And then, because you can’t guarantee your teen will wait, discuss the importance of condoms, regular STI testing, and open communication with a partner.
Teens most often turn to friends for information about sex, but they may not have the facts that will keep your child safe. Studies show that teens are open to hearing about sex from their parents, so take the time to be your teen’s primary sex educator. You’ve got all the tools you need to get started.
Not in Front of the Kids!
April 16, 2010
This columnist is right to be angry about bathroom stall sex at a ballpark. I know that lots of adults think it’s arousing to have sex in public where there’s a little risk of being caught. A hint of being naughty or downright dirty can add some spice to an otherwise old routine. But there’s a huge difference between getting it on in a public restroom or your office at work. For one thing, your desk is probably somewhat less disgusting than a public restroom floor. For another, you’re not likely to have kids walk in on you at work. I’m not saying you don’t risk getting fired if the boss walks in, but that’s a different story.
You may not care about strangers seeing you have sex, but if you keep your pants on in front of people who haven’t asked to watch or participate in your sex life, you protect yourself from indecency charges (or worse, sex offender charges) or potentially violent reactions. If you want an audience, there are plenty of clubs where you can be a star. You may even have friends who’d enjoy watching you get off . But they know what they’re getting in to. The dad whose kid needs to pee didn’t buy a ticket to see you make it to Home.
Parents: I hope you won’t run into this situation, but if you do, distract your child, exit as promptly as possible, and report the incident. If your child saw the couple having sex, explain that what the adults were doing in public should have stayed private. Then ask what your child thinks was going on, and take it from there.
A ballpark bathroom? Yerrrrrr out!