Services
Blog Category
RSS Feeds
All PostsResources
Can Boys Marry Boys?
March 5, 2010
This post begins with a story from Faith Agnew Dowgin, a Buzz reader:
The other day, Caden told my husband, “I love you Daddy, but I can only love you a little bit – because Sophia says boys don’t love boys”.
My husband replied, “Well Caden, there are lots of different kinds of love.” Caden said, “But when you love someone you have to marry them, and boys can’t marry boys.”
Now, maybe we should have left it alone because he is so young. But, we couldn’t. My husband said, “Caden, parents love their children in a different way than people who marry each other love each other. There are many different kinds of love, and Mommy and I think it’s OK for boys to love boys and for girls to love girls. And when people love each other in a special way, sometimes boys and girls marry each other, and sometimes two boys marry each other, and sometimes two girls marry each other, and sometimes, people don’t get married at all.”
Caden got really angry — probably because he was confused. We dropped the issue, and a few days later, he asked about it again. I told him, “Yes, boys can really marry boys. In fact, you know Mr. John and Mr. David, and they are boys who love each other and got married.” A few days later, he told my husband, “I thought about it Daddy, and I decided I’ll love you as much as I want to, cause I think boys can love boys if they want to.”
I figure I’ll save where it’s legal for boys to marry boys and girls to marry girls until first grade.
Faith and her husband provide a great example of answering the question a child asks. Too often, parents go on and on with answers that may do nothing but confuse young children. The most effective way to communicate about sexuality and relationships is to keep answers focussed on the simplest part of a child’s question. You can even ask the question back, as in, “Are you asking me whether boys can marry boys?” This allows the child to clarify the information that’s being requested.
If the question is particularly challenging, you can take a moment to reflect on the answer before speaking out loud. You can even say, “What a great question! Let me think about it while we get ready for school, and we’ll discuss it in the car.” You’ll gain a few minutes of contemplation time, and your child won’t feel ignored. Just remember to bring up the question once you’re in the car!
Teen Girls and Sex = Shocking?
February 20, 2010
“TEENS REVEAL THE SHOCKING TRUTH TO THE DOCTORS ABOUT TEEN SEX” shouts the email promoting the Feb. 22, 2010 edition of The Doctors on CBS. Shocking? That teens have sex? What’s really shocking is that CBS didn’t simply shout, “WHY WON’T TEEN GIRLS JUST SAY NO?”
The email blast for the episode starts with a quote from cast member Dr. Lisa Masterson, who says, “We need to start talking to teens earlier, so when they are 15 and 16, they are not in my office with an STD that could take away their fertility for the rest of their lives.” Masterson is an Ob/Gyn, so clearly, when she talks about teens, she’s only talking about female patients. And this isn’t an episode about sexually active teen lesbians, so where is the concern about sexually active male teens? Oh, right. Boys will be boys.
Monday’s episode will include a chat with teens and their mothers. No males were mentioned in the promotional email, although an inquiry to the producers deteremd that young men will be participating. Still the promotion only sensationalized the females we’ll hear from:
- Jackie, 15, who has had oral sex with about 6 guys, but claims to be a virgin
- Brooke, 16, who is sexually active but doesn’t use condoms
- Jazzi, 16 , who lost her virginity at age13 and doesn’t know about the HPV virus
My assumption, given the tone of the promotional piece, is that these teens will be held up as examples of what not to do. They may not be branded with a big letter “P” on their foreheads for being promiscuous, but that’ll be the message. At some point, they and their mothers may cry, and after hearing the doctors lecture on the risks of unprotected sex and STIs, the teens will promise to behave differently. Problem solved.
Except it won’t be. Teens, both male and female, will continue to be sexually active, and they will continue to have unprotected sex much of the time. Having teens disclose their sexual histories on TV is is akin to putting them in stocks on the public square for the public to spit on and laugh at. What are the odds that any sexually active teen will watch the show and be eager to chat with mom or dad about safe sex?
And then there’s the age-old problem of blaming females for being so darn tantalizing. If only these young ladies would keep their skirts long and their legs closed, everything would be fine, right? If this weren’t the primary message, the teen males’ behavior would have been sensationalized in the promo, too.
Parents, it’s time to step up to the plate. Don’t let TV medical shows — or anyone else — shame your daughters for being sexually active. Talk to them calmly about their choices and how they can protect themselves emotionally and physically from now on. Teach your sons to respect young women, and teach that both partners must be responsible for contraception if they consent to be physically intimate.
Are teens generally healthier if they wait to have sex until they are mature and in a monogamous relationship? Yes, mainly because the odds are greater that they will have fewer lifetime partners and they will use contraceptives to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. It is important to share that information with your teens. But once teens have sex (about half of them will have sex by the end of high school), your message has to change. Make it easy for your teen to see a health care provider to be tested for STIs and to discuss contraceptive options. If you aren’t comfortable providing condoms for both sons and daughters to carry, then make sure they have the income to buy them on their own. And periodically, check in with your teen to see if he or she is enjoying safe, consenting relationships.
Let’s stop wasting time being shocked that teens have sex. Instead, let’s help them make choices about relationships and behavior that will help them grow into happy, healthy young adults.
Should Schools Censor Dictionaries with Sexual Terms?
February 2, 2010
Can a dictionary harm children? That’s the question being asked by a review panel for Oak Meadows Elementary School in southern California. The panel will try to determine whether to prohibit the use of the Merriam-Webster dictionary by fourth and fifth grade students. The review is in response to an individual mother’s complaint that the dictionary’s definition of oral sex was too explicit.
I support parents’ right to evaluate school curricula and resources, and I applaud this mom’s efforts to protect children from information she found offensive. After all, I complained when my daughters’ elementary school teacher taught about Columbus’ discovery of America without acknowledging the established and vibrant cultures of this continent’s indigenous peoples. And when my girls reached high school, I complained that the pre-prom safety workshop for boys focused on preventing alcohol use, while the girls’ workshop taught self-defense techniques to help the girls fend off their dates’ sexual advances. I wanted both the boys and girls to learn about the importance of asking permission and respecting a date’s answer.
So we’re on the same page here, I’ll present the definition of oral sex published in the online version of the dictionary: “Oral stimulation of the genitals.” That’s it. Five words, as straightforward as can be. I expected something much more salacious, given the mom’s level of concern and the school’s reaction.
The incident reminded me of being in elementary school and being told by friends that the dictionary contained dirty words. I immediately pulled out the family copy and looked up the only dirty words I knew at the time — butt, breast, and poop. I’m 100% sure that kids today do it, too, because they are previous generations of children.
Language is constantly evolving, so dictionaries are updated regularly to add new terms. Yes, the current editions may include words some parents find offensive or inappropriate for children; however, these are words that kids hear on the playground, on TV shows, in movies, and in music and video games. Those games and songs, by the way, have some of the most anti-female and degrading language and imagery possible. The ability to look up those words in a dictionary enables children to learn what words mean without being judged by adults or teased by friends.
Parents don’t need to censor dictionaries to control their childrens’ vocabulary. Simply model the kind of language you find appropriate, and call attention when words are used that you find inappropriate. When you offer an explanation of why you want your child to avoid certain words, you have a great opportunity to share your values.
Schools shouldn’t jump every time a parent complains, either. Some of the best books for children have been offensive to one parent or another, and we need to rely on the reasoned and educated judgment of teachers and librarians to select developmentally appropriate resources for their young population.
Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I’ll suggest that if you can’t find the word you’re searching for in the dictionary on your bookshelf, visit UrbanDictionary.com. Your kids will find it soon enough.
Pedophile Lures Kids’ Addresses from Parents
January 12, 2010
ABC News recently ran a story about a pedophile who had a frightening way to reach children: he posed as a zoo photographer. The man, who is currently on trial, posed as a photographer taking pictures of kids at the zoo. He would then offer the photos to parents, requesting their home address so he could mail the photos. Some parents complied, and police are seeking others who may have fallen for the trick. Read more
Teens, Parents and Brothels
January 10, 2010
As a California teen, I heard stories about fathers taking 18-year-old sons to the Bunny Ranch in Nevada to “become men.” Will mothers be taking their daughters to Nevada now that the Shady Lady Ranch brothel is adding male prostitutes? I hope not.
I always found it creepy that a parent would encourage a young male to lose his virginity, especially to an adult paid to participate. The rumor was that fathers wanted their sons’ first-time sex to be with a woman who knew what she was doing. Call me old fashioned, but I think there’s a lot to be said for stumbling around, learning what works and what doesn’t in your own time. Just because a prostitute can bring a person to orgasm (assuming that’s the goal), doesn’t mean the sex has meaning. After all, masturbation can accomplish that goal.
I have nothing against prostitution if the sex worker is doing the work by choice, gets paid fairly, and is protected physically and emotionally. My problem is with the idea of parents egging newly minted adults into having sex with prostitutes in the guise of making them “real” adults. Having sex for the first time doesn’t make someone an adult. Being mature about sex means making decisions in your own time, taking into account the risks and rewards to both you and your partner.