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Patching Conversational Gaps
July 5, 2010
My sisters and I learned about sexual anatomy at the dinner table, with our dad drawing rough sketches on a dinner napkin. As you might guess, our conversations were wide-ranging and more open about sexuality than many family’s table talk. Even so, there were some things that didn’t get mentioned, probably because no parents can predict every question or concern their kids might have.
- What sexuality questions do you wish your parents had answered, even if you never felt comfortable asking?
- What topics unrelated to sexuality would have have liked to discuss openly?
- If you are a parent or can imagine yourself being one, what issues would you like to discuss with your child(ren)?
- What gets in the way of asking questions or bringing up topics for discussion?
Please post your answers in the comments section or email me directly. Thanks!
Teaching Teens about Condom Size
June 23, 2010
Kudos to you, if you’ve talked to your teens (of any gender) about using condoms during oral, vaginal, or anal intercourse. I’d like to encourage you to take another step that may be more awkward but is just as important: Talk about condom sizes and shapes.
Condoms can enhance sexual enjoyment or limit it, and getting the right fit can affect whether people will use condoms consistently. Penises come in many sizes, and condoms that are too short or too long can, respectively, slip off or create an uncomfortably tight roll at the base of the penis. Pleasure is another factor, as some new condom shapes allow more movement within the condom, which increases a natural feel — especially when a small amount of lubricant is dripped into the condom prior to it being placed on the erect penis. Some partners enjoy different sensations from textured condoms.
Dr. Paul Joannides, author of “The Guide to Getting It On,” has posted a terrific video that explains the whys and wherefores of new condom shapes and sizes. Watch it here. Then, email the link to your young adult and encourage viewing. Think your email heads into the spam file automatically? Try this subject line: Condoms Can Feel Good — Use them.
I recently spoke to a parent who encouraged his 13-year-old to keep condoms in his backpack at all times — even though he wasn’t yet sexually active. The dad’s rationale? It takes a long time to build up a habit, and he wants his son to be comfortable carrying condoms by the time he needs them. He also bought condoms in bulk and, when his son asked to practice with them, encouraged his son to use them during masturbation. This is a clever idea because it will link sexual pleasure to a potentially life-saving practice of consistent condom use.
Too Much Tech to Talk?
June 10, 2010
What’s the impact of parents who tune into technology? They tend to tune out of their kids’ lives. That doesn’t bode well for kids who need and deserve attention, and it certainly doesn’t help them put sexuality into perspective.
A recent study measured verbal interaction between parents and children when tech toys were off and measured again when computers, phones and hand-held devices were in use. Predictably, the use of technology decreases the attention parents pay to their kids. Read the story here.
Parents spoke significantly fewer words to children when their attention was divided. The author of the article noted the impact of electronic distraction on children’s verbal development and behavior, and I assume that it also impacts children’s basic understanding of their world. As a sex educator, I see other ramifications too. Let’s say a parent and child are in the grocery check-out lane, where tabloid headlines and graphic photos tout stars’ cellulite, cheating spouses, cosmetic surgery and drunken club hopping. A preoccupied parent is likely to shush a child or offer a candy bar in exchange for a few more seconds on the phone. An attentive parent can divert the child’s attention or comment on the unkind words and speculation. For example, if a child comments on a star’s weight, the parent can say, ”Weight is a really personal issue, and it’s a shame magazines can’t respect that person’s privacy.”
It’s common to see parents pushing children in strollers while engrossed in a cellphone conversation. The child gets the message that the caller is more important or interesting than the child. Self-esteem issues aside, the child is also missing out on learning about the world he or she is passing by. A squirrel will race by unnamed. A garden in flower will be chalked up as unworthy of attention. A couple sexually grappling on the lawn? Without an attentive parent to put the behavior into perspective, the child may be scared that someone is getting hurt. Or, the child may get the message that pubic sex is acceptable. That may or or may not reflect the parents’ view of public sexual displays, but the child won’t know unless a conversation takes place. An attentive parent might point the stroller in another direction and comment on the difference between public and private behaviors. Similar conversations can occur during TV shows when parents stop multi-tasking with their tech toys and put images and dialogue into the context of the family’s values.
One family in the NY Times article scheduled a nightly tech-free period during which the family members could reconnect, and the kids were really happy to have their parents undivided attention. How much time are you using technology when your kids are present? How might it be affecting interchanges between you and your child(ren)? Maybe it’s time to put your own toys away.
June 1, 2010
Watch this story now, with your middle schooler. It’s inspiring, it’s lovely, and it’s great to see little kids enjoying dance in a body-positive way that’s not about bumping, grinding, and imitating adults. Kudos to Amiya Alexander, the 6th grader who created a mobile dance studio to combat childhood obesity. Watch it here.
Tips for Talking with Kids about Masturbation
May 27, 2010
May is National Masturbation Month, so this is a good opportunity to think about the messages you’d like to give your children about self-pleasure.
Masturbation is a normal activity participated in by children at very young ages—even male fetuses have even been observed grabbing their penises. But knowing masturbation is normal and dealing with it in your home are two different things. It’s easy to ask a child to keep self-exploration private; it’s more difficult when your child is “doing exercises,” as my friend’s child put it, in the living room when guests visit.
Why does talking about masturbation make so many parents uncomfortable, despite surveys that show the majority of people either masturbate or have done it at some time in their life? There’s no medical reason to be concerned: self-pleasure cannot lead to pregnancy, sexually transmitted infection, or heartbreak. The harm that comes from masturbation is due to the stigma that makes people feel that they are doing something shameful if they enjoy touching their own bodies.
During the Victorian era, masturbation was seen as a sign of weak moral fiber. Presbyterian minister Sylvester Graham invented his famous crackers to suppress sexual urges, and Dr. John H. Kellogg invented the original, sugar-free corn flakes to prevent the urge to masturbate. Those were innocuous “cures,” but other preventive methods were scary: bizarre devices were sold to stop children and teens from touching their genitals and to punish them for having “unnatural” sexual urges. Some parents forced their children to wear spiked metal vises that scratched the genitals upon arousal or pinched fingers that attempted to touch those areas. Some children had their foreskin or clitoris removed as punishment for masturbation.
Why Teach Kids about Self-Pleasure?
- Young children benefit from hearing that it’s normal to explore their bodies and learn how they work.
- Parents can encourage children to appreciate their bodies without embarrassment, albeit in private.
- Masturbation can be a self-comforting behavior when children cannot sleep.
- Children can gain a sense of ownership about their bodies when they give themselves sexual pleasure. When they do become sexually active with a partner later in life, their sexual self-awareness will help them to communicate their needs to their partners so they can enjoy a more satisfying sexual relationship.
- Masturbation allows adolescents and teens to relieve sexual urges without a partner and with no sexual health risks.
Teaching Sex-Positive Attitudes
If you want to encourage positive attitudes about masturbation, start by looking at your own feelings. What messages did you receive about it from your family, friends or religious tradition? Are those the messages you want your child to receive? If not, why not? Talk about masturbation with your co-parent to ensure you’re on the same page where the kids are concerned.
Let your infant touch his or her genitals during diaper changes. Let your toddler unabashedly explore while washing all of his or her body parts, and take the opportunity to teach the proper names for genitals (Note to parents of girls: Remember that the vagina is on the inside; the vulva is everything the outside). You can make casual comments that let older children know masturbation is normal and healthy—they may act disgusted to hear the words, but they’ll internalize the message. Do your child a great service by saying, “I promise never to walk in on you in the bathroom or your bedroom when the door is closed unless I knock first.”
In the book, “It’s So Amazing” for young children, masturbation is mentioned in a section on kinds of touch. The book explains what masturbation is, acknowledges that many people do it and many don’t, and it explains that many families have different attitudes about masturbation. It also says that most doctors agree is normal and healthy. For adolescents, “Sex, Puberty and All that Stuff” has separate sections for boys and girls that include information about masturbation. I like the passage that states that nearly everyone masturbates even though few people talk about. The book also mentions that while masturbation is usually done in private, couples can enjoy it, too. Messages like this can help keep sexually active teens healthy by teaching them a risk-free alternative to activities that expose them to sexually transmitted infection and pregnancy.
Is it easy to talk about masturbation with your children? Not necessarily, but by putting your own embarrassment aside, you will continue the process of helping your child become a sexually confident and happy adult.
Parts of this post were adapted from my book “Sexuality Talking Points,” which can be purchased on my Products page.