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Not She/He: How to Speak to a Transgender Person with Respect
July 18, 2011
Last week, my heart lurched when I read something written by a sexuality educator who referred to a transgender student as “she/he.” How can we expect the public to use respectful language if we sexuality educators aren’t getting it right?
The educator knew that the person in question was assigned the female sex at birth due to having a female body. However, the educator also knew that the student is now living as a male, concurrent with his gender identity. Unless told otherwise by the student, the educator should have used masculine pronouns out of respect for the student’s stated gender.
Using “she/he” or “he/she” is offensive to the student because it ignores his right to identify himself as he sees fit. It also dehumanizes a person, since the terms are often used like this: “He/she/it…whatever…” The educator’s offensive language indicates either her own confusion or her desire to imply that the student was confused about his gender identity. The former is far more likely than the latter. A transgender person owes no one an explanation of a very personal experience of gender; however, the fact that this student disclosed his gender identity illustrates how firm he is in his understanding of himself. It takes bravery to challenge other people’s assumptions — especially without knowing how they will respond. A sudden awareness of another person’s incongruent gender expression and identity cause some people such confusion that they become angry or violent.
Yesterday, I delivered a presentation on life changes in adulthood. Afterwards, a woman asked me whether I would share resources with her “friend’s son, who is going through the transition from man to woman.” She offered a few details and admitted that she didn’t know which nouns and pronouns to use. I respect that fact that she wanted to learn more in order to support her friend and her friend’s daughter. I used the term “daughter” to illustrate to her that it’s not just pronouns that make a difference — we need to be mindful of all of the gendered language that we use.
For a few more tips about how to speak respectfully to and with a transgender person, please read this webpage I learned about this morning. I wouldn’t normally link to a wiki page, but this information is short and practical. Here’s the link.
Website Offers Education on Asexuality
May 31, 2011
One in one hundred adults have no interest in sex, and they don’t consider a problem. In fact, it’s how their brains are wired in terms of sexual orientation. The following quote is from the online resource center of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
“An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. Asexuality is just beginning to be the subject of scientific research.”
Asexuality is different from being celibate or abstinent by choice. It also differs from lack of sexual desire, which is an emotional state experienced by some people due to medications, health issues or psychological issues like relationship problems, low self-esteem, poor body image, fear, prior poor experiences, etc. People who identify as asexual may have romantic attractions, and they may have sex to express emotional closeness; however, they typically do not have a hunger to engage in sexual activity.
Asexuality is another way of living in the sexual sphere of human sexual experience. Some of us are attracted to people of the same sex, another sex, more than one sex, or to none of those groups. The AVEN website is rich with information for people who identify as asexual and for their families and friends. If you’d like to learn more about asexuality, visit the Asexual Visibility and Education Network here.
Tennessee Shame: Don’t Say Gay Bill Passes
May 22, 2011
Shame on Tennessee for thinking that talking about homosexuality is akin to “teaching homosexuality.” The state Senate voted 5:4 to allow legislators to introduce a bill that would ban teachers from discussing homosexuality in their classrooms. The House will take up the issue next year.
The bill’s sponsor, Sen. Stacey Campfield, is reported to have called the bill a “neutral” tool that will allow discussions about sexuality to be decided by families, not K-8 schools. Contrary to Sen. Campfield’s claim of neutrality, this bill isn’t neutral. It is based on the assumption that being straight is natural and normal; therefore, teachers may not discuss any other orientation. This “neutral” ban actively promotes heterosexuality.
- Lessons about non-straight sexual orientation don’t teach kids to be gay. We may experience varying romantic or sexual feeings during our lives, but our basic attraction template is pretty well fixed regardless of what we’re exposed to.
- Censoring teachers hurts kids. Children with gay or lesbian parents, friends or relatives won’t have those loved ones publically recognized. Children who question their sexual orientation won’t be able to ask questions of their teachers or school counselors.
- Censoring promotes bullying. If teachers can’t discuss homosexuality, they can’t teach students to respect people of all orientations. The bullies will have free rein.
Let’s call this bill what it is: an unabashed attempt to eliminate homosexuality by pretending it doesn’t exist. Sen. Campfield, your ignorance and prejudice are showing, and you should be ashamed.
Actor George Takei, of Star Trek fame, created a video related to the Tennessee bill. It proves that you can rise above foolishness and take action that may save a life. Watch the video here.
Can Condoms Help a Man Stay Erect?
April 23, 2011
Men who complain that condoms decrease sensation or interrupt the “action” to put on may want to rethink their attitude about condoms. A condom being tested in Europe has a benefit that may outweigh a lot of perceived negatives: Lined with a special gel, the condom will increase the strength of an erection. Read the full story here.
Sex after 50 Survey Needs You!
April 3, 2011
For my upcoming book on sex and aging, I am conducting a study on sexual interests and behavior. If you are at least 45, please take 5-10 minutes to complete the survey online survey. I am casting a wide net for participants from across the country and online, and your answers will be mixed in with theirs. I will see the combined results, not your individual results. Here’s the link: http://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/497191/Sex-after-50-Survey