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Taking a Tip from the BDSM Community
October 22, 2011
BDSM, the acronym for bondage-domination/sadism-masochism, gets a bad rap. These sexual practices are often portrayed as something dark, uncontrolled, and perverse, the underbelly of sexual behaviors. It may benefit your sex life to look more carefully.
The last time you had a sexual encounter, did you ask for your partner’s consent every step of the way? If you nibbled your partner’s nipple, did you know precisely how gently or roughly to do it? If you scratched your nails on your partner’s back, did you ask whether your lover wanted you to leave no marks, reddened streaks, or scratches that would last for days? Probably not, but someone into BDSM would. Consent is a hallmark of BDSM activity. Nothing happens that both partners (or multiple partners) haven’t carefully reviewed and agreed to ahead of time. This ensures that the role playing is safe and enjoyable for all, no matter how it might be perceived by outsiders.
Here’s an interesting 6-minute video featuring Neil Cannon, PhD, CST, a board certified sex therapist, discussing his research and work with members of the BDSM community. One of his most interesting findings? Folks in the community have higher IQs than the rest of the population. He speculates the reason is the BDSM requires the intellectual creativity to manage all the contracted behaviors, preferences, and boundaries, let alone the scripted role play involved. View it here.
BDSM isn’t for everyone, so here are some ways that “vanilla” lovers, i.e., those who enjoy less out-of-the-box sex, can enjoy a little more spice.
- Ask for it. Talk before and during sex about what you want, how you want to be touched, how you want to touch your partner. Be specific. If it turns you on, try whatever you consider to be dirty talk. Ask if your partner likes hearing those words.
- Get permission. Ask what your partner wants. Ask what feels good, and better.
- Learn what’s off limits, and respect your partner’s boundaries.
- Lube it up. Buy sample sizes of lube to experiment with: Water, silicon, and oil-based personal lubricants for comparison (canola, olive, almond, and hemp are nice). Do not use Latex condoms with any oil-based product. Do not use silicon lube with silicon toys. In both bases, product degradation occurs.
- Get bossy, or rather, sexually assertive. If you’re bossy in “real life,” try letting go of your need to control so you can relax and take direction from your partner.
- Laugh. Agree ahead of time that you’re going to try some things that may sound, feel or look silly, and that’s OK. In fact, it can be pretty damn funny when things go awry.
- Bring props to the party. Enjoy sampling different sensations ranging from the light stroke of a feather to the sharp smack of a spatula. Start with light sensations and build intensity only with permission. Here are some ideas:
–Silk scarf for use as a blind fold or restraints (not necessary to tie them — wrapped loosely, they allow play without concerns about getting trapped)
–Spatula or fly swatter (never used, of course) for spanking
–Sex toys and vibrators (there are products for all genders!)*
–Sex toys made of glass, smooth metal, and silicone, nubbed, ribbed, like-like or not
–Soft natural bristle brush for waking up the skin
–Multi-textured fabrics: silk, flannel, terry cloth, velvet, silk, satin for rubbing and stroking with differing sensations
–Ice cubes and palm-sized instant hand warmers
–Feathers for teasing strokes
–Soy candle to drip melted wax tantilizingly on the body (only use soy candles that melt at a low temperature) - Talk, whisper, moan, gasp — communicate
Above all, don’t take sex too seriously. Ideally, it will be something you look forward to, not a chore to cross of your to-do list. If you want a change of pace, go for it. Do whatever you need to do to have consentual, enjoyable sex. Even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone. Now, start hunting around your home for a few great props to try….
*A nice range of affordable, phlalate-free toys can be found here. While you’re onsite, visit my sex advice column, Sex Advice and Spice.
The Internal Clitoris or, What’s Under the Hood?
August 21, 2011
The nubbin of tissue that most people recognize as the female clitoris is actually a very small visible part of a much larger sexual organ that resides below the skin and extends downwards to hug the vagina. Artist, author, and sexuality advocate Betty Dodson created a short video that literally illustrates how the internal and external organs are related. View it here. This is consider adult content, so you will need to access it with a YouTube or Google account.
So You Want to Be a Sexuality Educator?
August 3, 2011
What do I and other sexuality educators do for a living? It’s a common question, and you can find the some answers in this short cartoon I created. You can watch it here. What’s a sexuality subject you’d like to learn about? Drop me a note and maybe I’ll make a video on your topic!
Male Contraceptives Offer Exciting Alternatives
July 31, 2011
Condoms will never go out of style, thanks to their ability to prevent the spread of most sexually transmitted infections. However, it’s always wise to use a second method to prevent pregnancy. A backup for some couples or, for those who are monogamous and STI negative, a primary means of preventing pregnancy when condoms are no longer needed.
A New York Times article discusses research being done on intriguing methods ranging from hormones to testicular ultrasounds. You can read it here. More information is also available from the Male Contraceptive Project, which lists its ”top picks” as
- RISUG/Vasalgel — A polymer gel that goes in the vas deferens and kills sperm for more than 10 years.
- Ultrasound — 1r to 30 minutes of painless treatment to the testes provides six months of contraception.
- Nonhormonal, plant-based pills — Tripterygium wilfordii — Extracts from plants traditionally known to have contraceptive effect.
- Heat methods — Keeping the testes at body temperature or hotter by tucking them into the body or doing hot water dips.
You can read more about these methods here.
The argument has long been made that contraceptive research has focused on females because they have more at stake if an unplanned pregnancy occurs. I take issue with that argument because it implies that men care less about whether they co-create a pregnancy. Sure, some men are cavalier, but recent surveys have shown that increasing numbers of men are willing to share the contraceptive burden by doing more than slipping on a condom.
It’ll be a great day when straight couples have more contraceptive options. Until then, here are a few ways male partners can share responsibility for contraception:
- Help pay for your female partner’s pills, diaphram, IUD, film, foam, etc.
- Remind your partner to use contraceptives as instructed.
- If she uses an internal method, such as a ring, a diaphragm, contraceptive film, foam, sponge, etc., offer to insert it as part of sex play.
- Accompany your partner to healthcare visits when decisions are being made.
- Wear a condom to protect you and your partner from STIs. If your partner uses an internal condom (aka “female condom”), do NOT use a condom on your penis. Never use two condoms simultaneously.
What Makes After-Exercise Sex so Hot?
July 31, 2011
Let’s say you’ve just completed a challenging run, bike ride, PX 90 or other serious workout. You’re exhausted, sweaty, smelly, and possibly horny. In fact, if you have sex, by yourself or with a partner, you may experience a super intense orgasm. Why?
During and after physical activity, the human body has elevated levels of testosterone. That jolt of hormone can give you a boost of strength and self confidence. Meanwhile, an exercise-induced increase in thyroxine boosts your energy, and epiniphrine increases the amount of blood flowing to your heart and elsewhere in the body, i.e., your genitals, if you’re aroused.
Best orgasms of your life, just by upping your exercise? Sounds like a great incentive to get fit!