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Can Boys Marry Boys?
March 5, 2010
This post begins with a story from Faith Agnew Dowgin, a Buzz reader:
The other day, Caden told my husband, “I love you Daddy, but I can only love you a little bit – because Sophia says boys don’t love boys”.
My husband replied, “Well Caden, there are lots of different kinds of love.” Caden said, “But when you love someone you have to marry them, and boys can’t marry boys.”
Now, maybe we should have left it alone because he is so young. But, we couldn’t. My husband said, “Caden, parents love their children in a different way than people who marry each other love each other. There are many different kinds of love, and Mommy and I think it’s OK for boys to love boys and for girls to love girls. And when people love each other in a special way, sometimes boys and girls marry each other, and sometimes two boys marry each other, and sometimes two girls marry each other, and sometimes, people don’t get married at all.”
Caden got really angry — probably because he was confused. We dropped the issue, and a few days later, he asked about it again. I told him, “Yes, boys can really marry boys. In fact, you know Mr. John and Mr. David, and they are boys who love each other and got married.” A few days later, he told my husband, “I thought about it Daddy, and I decided I’ll love you as much as I want to, cause I think boys can love boys if they want to.”
I figure I’ll save where it’s legal for boys to marry boys and girls to marry girls until first grade.
Faith and her husband provide a great example of answering the question a child asks. Too often, parents go on and on with answers that may do nothing but confuse young children. The most effective way to communicate about sexuality and relationships is to keep answers focussed on the simplest part of a child’s question. You can even ask the question back, as in, “Are you asking me whether boys can marry boys?” This allows the child to clarify the information that’s being requested.
If the question is particularly challenging, you can take a moment to reflect on the answer before speaking out loud. You can even say, “What a great question! Let me think about it while we get ready for school, and we’ll discuss it in the car.” You’ll gain a few minutes of contemplation time, and your child won’t feel ignored. Just remember to bring up the question once you’re in the car!
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