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A Poem about Mature Love
November 29, 2011
I don’t often write poetry; most of my writing involves workshops, lectures, and lesson plans. Once in a while, though, I am moved to write a poem. I wrote this one in 2006, and it wasn’t until I re-read it recently that I realized how closely it suits my current work in sexuality and aging. I offer it to you in hopes of inspiring you to reflect on your own maturing sexual nature.
Kissing You
I don’t remember where we first kissed,
but I remember the way you smelled of Dove soap
and tasted of red wine and apples.
I remember the way I struggled to keep my distance
before giving in and pressing my body into yours
and how it took my breath away to melt into you so easily,
my mouth to yours, my chest to yours, our hips, our hips, our thighs.
I don’t remember when we first kissed,
but I remember it was fall, and the leaves skimmed around our feet
and you lifted me up just a bit before setting me down
and whispering into my hair, “I found you.”
I remember that when you kissed me this morning,
you didn’t take my breath away, and you didn’t taste of red wine,
and you didn’t lift me off my feet.
But you still smelled of Dove soap,
and our bodies pressed into each other with yearning,
and my heart sang.
(c) 2011. Melanie J. Davis. All rights reserved www.honestexchange.com
Is Porn Teaching Your Child about Sex? Odds are, yes.
November 19, 2011
It’s sad but true that a significant number of kids, by sixth grade, have viewed some type of porn. Sixth grade. So if you haven’t yet talked with your child about what loving, safer, mutually pleasurable, consensual sex is, consider starting that conversation now.Here’s an excellent column that argues that if parents don’t teach their kids about sex, porn will.
Think about what you want your kids to learn about sex. Your list might look something like this:
- Sex should be consensual, i.e., partners should both want the same things without feeling pressured.
- Making out, rubbing bodies against each other, fondling breasts and genitals, massage — there are great, low/no-risk ways to be physically intimate without intercourse.
- If you can’t talk openly to a potential sex partner about wants or boundaries, and if you can’t see each other without embarrassment, you’re probably not ready to engage in penetrative sex of any type.
- Sexual intercourse (oral, vaginal, or anal) is a higher-risk behavior best postponed until…. <add your value here. I’d say age 16 or greater, but you may disagree>
- “Doing it,” “having sex,” and “hooking up” are too vague to agree to. Partners must talk about what they want, expect, and don’t want to do in language that is direct. This helps ensure consent.
- Oral sex is sex. It can have the same emotional and health consequences as “real sex,” which most people consider to be vaginal or anal penetration.
- Anal sex is always higher risk, for males and females. It should only be practiced with caution, care, consent, condoms and lubricant.
- It’s not enough to be tested for STIs once in a while. You should be tested at least every 6 months, and more often, if you have multiple partners.
- When caring, mutually consenting partners engage in sex, it can be a lovely, life affirming activity. Sex can also be fun, lighthearted, and silly — if you take steps to protect against STIs and unintentional pregnancy.
Once you have your list, find opportunities to communicate them without lecturing. Maybe a story about a “leaked” celebrity sex tape will inspire a chat about privacy expectations in a sexual relationship. Or a visit to the doctor can inspire a comment about getting tested for STIs once someone is sexually active.
There are some useful things teens can learn from porn, and they aren’t what you might expect. View this short video by research psychoanalyist Paul Joanniddes, author of Guide to Getting it On. It’s called 5 Things to Learn about Lovemaking from Porn. After you watch it, consider sharing it with your teens.
Schools with comprehensive sexuality education (CSE) programs go a long way toward helping parents get sex-positive messages across. What does CSE look like, when practiced well? Here’s a great NYTimes profile of the work of my friend and fellow sex educator, Al Vernacchio.
Sex Surrogates and Assistants: Sexual Services for Special Populations
November 12, 2011
Sexual surrogates in the US are professionals who work under the supervision of sex therapists to help patients address sexual problems in a hands-on manner, literally. In Switzerland, Netherlands, Germany and Denmark, sex assistants have a different role: they provide sexual release to clients who have physical disabilities, developmental delays, or other challenges that make attaining sexual pleasure and release difficult.
Click here to read an interesting article about sex assistants professional role. Click here to watch an ABCNews video about sex surrogates in the US, and follow this link for an article by MSNBC. If you are interested in connecting with a sex surrogate, visit the International Professional Surrogates Association.
What Glee Teaches Parents about Teens and Sex
November 12, 2011
The teen coming of age TV show Glee, featured an extremely good portrayal of healthy teen sexual decision making. In Season 3, Episode 5, two loving, committed teen couples (one straight, one gay) discuss whether and when to have sex for the first time.
I usually avoid watching depictions of teen “first times” because they frustrate me as a sexuality educator. Typically, there is no discussion of contraception, the decision is usually made on the spur of the moment or under the influence of alcohol, or there is an element of coercion wherein one partner isn’t ready to have sex but is pressured to into it. I was pleasantly surprised by the Glee episode, which touched on many issues usually ignored in teen shows. I recommend that parents watch the episode with their teens or, if you’re not comfortable with the sexual content, watch it separately and then discuss some of the issues it brings to mind.
For another perspective on the show, please read this well-written column written by Meredith Melnick for Time Healthland online. To read it, click here.
FREE Webinar: Sex & Aging — Changing for the Better
November 10, 2011
Join me for a free webinar, “Sex and Aging: Changing for the Better” from 3-4 p.m. EST, Wednesday, Nov. 30, 2011 hosted by MySeniorPortal.com. She will discuss age-related changes in sexual anatomy, physiology and function and how men and women can successfully adapt to them. Sex and intimacy also change with age, sometimes for the better! Whether you are single or coupled, you can enjoy greater self-awareness, sensuality and self-acceptance than ever before. The webcast will include an opportunity for you to ask questions and get honest, accurate answers. You’ll learn from other participants’ questions, too.
Webcast Details
Meeting Number: 628 957 609 Meeting Password: 123MSP***
To join the online meeting (Now from mobile devices!)
1. Go to https://myseniorportal.webex.com/myseniorportal/j.php?ED=185376152&UID=1306753692&PW=NMDE2YmE4ZDI5&RT=MiMxMQ%3D%3D
2. If requested, enter your name and email address.
3. If a password is required, enter the meeting password: 123MSP***
4. Click “Join”.
5. Follow the instructions that appear on your screen.
To view in other time zones or languages, please click the link:
https://myseniorportal.webex.com/myseniorportal/j.php?ED=185376152&UID=1306753692&PW=NMDE2YmE4ZDI5&ORT=MiMxMQ%3D%3D
To join the audio conference only
Call-in toll number (US/Canada): +1-408-600-3600