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Taking a Tip from the BDSM Community
October 22, 2011
BDSM, the acronym for bondage-domination/sadism-masochism, gets a bad rap. These sexual practices are often portrayed as something dark, uncontrolled, and perverse, the underbelly of sexual behaviors. It may benefit your sex life to look more carefully.
The last time you had a sexual encounter, did you ask for your partner’s consent every step of the way? If you nibbled your partner’s nipple, did you know precisely how gently or roughly to do it? If you scratched your nails on your partner’s back, did you ask whether your lover wanted you to leave no marks, reddened streaks, or scratches that would last for days? Probably not, but someone into BDSM would. Consent is a hallmark of BDSM activity. Nothing happens that both partners (or multiple partners) haven’t carefully reviewed and agreed to ahead of time. This ensures that the role playing is safe and enjoyable for all, no matter how it might be perceived by outsiders.
Here’s an interesting 6-minute video featuring Neil Cannon, PhD, CST, a board certified sex therapist, discussing his research and work with members of the BDSM community. One of his most interesting findings? Folks in the community have higher IQs than the rest of the population. He speculates the reason is the BDSM requires the intellectual creativity to manage all the contracted behaviors, preferences, and boundaries, let alone the scripted role play involved. View it here.
BDSM isn’t for everyone, so here are some ways that “vanilla” lovers, i.e., those who enjoy less out-of-the-box sex, can enjoy a little more spice.
- Ask for it. Talk before and during sex about what you want, how you want to be touched, how you want to touch your partner. Be specific. If it turns you on, try whatever you consider to be dirty talk. Ask if your partner likes hearing those words.
- Get permission. Ask what your partner wants. Ask what feels good, and better.
- Learn what’s off limits, and respect your partner’s boundaries.
- Lube it up. Buy sample sizes of lube to experiment with: Water, silicon, and oil-based personal lubricants for comparison (canola, olive, almond, and hemp are nice). Do not use Latex condoms with any oil-based product. Do not use silicon lube with silicon toys. In both bases, product degradation occurs.
- Get bossy, or rather, sexually assertive. If you’re bossy in “real life,” try letting go of your need to control so you can relax and take direction from your partner.
- Laugh. Agree ahead of time that you’re going to try some things that may sound, feel or look silly, and that’s OK. In fact, it can be pretty damn funny when things go awry.
- Bring props to the party. Enjoy sampling different sensations ranging from the light stroke of a feather to the sharp smack of a spatula. Start with light sensations and build intensity only with permission. Here are some ideas:
–Silk scarf for use as a blind fold or restraints (not necessary to tie them — wrapped loosely, they allow play without concerns about getting trapped)
–Spatula or fly swatter (never used, of course) for spanking
–Sex toys and vibrators (there are products for all genders!)*
–Sex toys made of glass, smooth metal, and silicone, nubbed, ribbed, like-like or not
–Soft natural bristle brush for waking up the skin
–Multi-textured fabrics: silk, flannel, terry cloth, velvet, silk, satin for rubbing and stroking with differing sensations
–Ice cubes and palm-sized instant hand warmers
–Feathers for teasing strokes
–Soy candle to drip melted wax tantilizingly on the body (only use soy candles that melt at a low temperature) - Talk, whisper, moan, gasp — communicate
Above all, don’t take sex too seriously. Ideally, it will be something you look forward to, not a chore to cross of your to-do list. If you want a change of pace, go for it. Do whatever you need to do to have consentual, enjoyable sex. Even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone. Now, start hunting around your home for a few great props to try….
*A nice range of affordable, phlalate-free toys can be found here. While you’re onsite, visit my sex advice column, Sex Advice and Spice.
Fear, Loathing and Sexuality Education
October 20, 2011
The fear mongerers are at it again, claiming that sexuality educators are out to rob children of their naivete and innocence. An Op-Ed piece in the New York Times, reprinted here, on a website affiliated with the writers, makes wild accusations and misstatements about what educators to and what comprehensive sexuality education is. It is important to everyone to realize that the underlying fear among those who mistrust sexuality education boils down to three letters: s.e.x. They don’t want teens having sex, they don’t want college students having sex, and they don’t want 30 year-olds having sex…at least if they aren’t married.
Read a wise and rational response to the Op-Ed piece from nationally respected sexuality educator, Elizabeth Schroeder, EdD. Share it widely, please. If the anti-sex ed faction gets its way, what’ll we have? Just take a look at Texas to find out. Martha Kempner, MA examined the realities of abstinence-only until marriage programs and found that sexual health statistics in the land of presidential candidate Rick Perry are worse than dismal. Read her article here.
As a sexuality educator, I can attest to teens’ and young adults’ thirst for information that will keep them emotionally and physically happy and healthy. They want to know how to be in relationships that don’t hurt. They want to know how to treat themselves and others with respect. They want to know how their own and others’ bodies function and respond. They want to know how to avoid becoming parents by chance rather than choice.
When young people are left to their own devices, they often seek answers from porn, and they mistake fantasy for reality. Or, they make up answers they can’t find elsewhere. A college student tried to convince me that drinking Mountain Dew soda would prevent pregnancy, a myth I thought had died long ago. A middle aged adult woman asked me , “Do both men and women ejaculate from their anus?” This is the result of poor or no sexuality education, and more people will be in the same state of ignorance if we eliminate or fail to expand comprehensive programs.
If you haven’t told your school board, religious organization, and politicians that sexuality education is important to you, do so today. And on the second Tuesday in November, vote your values.