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An Intimacy Menu for the New Year
December 29, 2009
Has your relationship left you hungering for more? Has white bread sex left you hankering for more excitement? Has a steady diet of fast, raw sex left you longing for soft, slow kisses? Consider re-writing your Intimacy Menu to kick off the new year.
It’s not unusual for people to rely on a sexual script with the same “let’s do it” signals, foreplay sequence, and sexual positions time after time. After all, why fix what’s not broken? But being able to orgasm doesn’t mean much if you’re bored or left wanting.
Dining Alone
Intimacy, like charity, begins at home. Even when you’re alone, you deserve to feel cared for, loved, and free to express and address your sexual needs. In the shower or bath, soap up and enjoy a sensuous tour of your body. Intrigued? Dry off, pick up a mirror, and look closely at your body. Talk to yourself as you explore, using loving, positive words to describe your curves, planes, folds and crevices. Touch yourself to see what feels good…and feels better.
If you’ve never experienced an orgasm, give yourself permission to take pleasure in your own body. If you’re not ready to touch your genitals, caress your face, chest, and other areas that need loving. When you’re ready, continue to teach yourself where else your body longs for attention. For more information about orgasm, see my Taking the Mystery Out of Female Orgasm brochure.
Dining a Deux
Intimacy with a partner can range from the sharing of bodies to the sharing of deep feelings, needs, fears, desires and fantasies. Nothing’s wrong with enjoying the same type of intimate behaviors time and again, but a little adventure might allow you to deepen the level of intimacy and delight you take in a partner. That’s where an Intimacy Menu comes into play.
Invite your partner to join you in writing down your Intimacy Menu. What are your current “appetizers”? How do you indicate interest in getting it on? What are your typical moves or words of invitation? Who usually initiates? Move the discussion to other courses, i.e., the “salad/soup” course of foreplay, the “main entree” of whatever behavior culminates in orgasm, and the “dessert” afterward, i.e., cuddling, showering, sleeping, etc.
Once your current Intimacy Menu is written, consider whether and how you might want to update it. The menu might be too heavy on assumptions (e.g., a massage will automatically lead to intercourse). It may to too light on courtesy, romance, or sex appeal. The current menu may focus too much on the main entree, i.e., on orgasm rather than overall pleasure. The menu may not leave room for dessert, i.e., one may be too self-absorbed to address the other person’s desire for post-sex touch, talk, or mutual clean-up.
Restaurants often re-think menus on a seasonal basis, and that might be a good goal for couples, too. But start small. Try an Intimacy Menu check on New Year’s. Who knows how great 2010 might turn out to be?
You Found Contraceptives. Now What?
December 26, 2009
What’s the right response when you discover your teen’s contraceptives? A) a hug; B) saying, “I’m proud of you for using protection”; C) patting yourself on the back; D) saying “Let’s talk” or E) All of the above. The correct answer is E, even though you may feel like breaking out in hives.
You may think it’s wrong for teens to have sexual intercourse, but if a teen has contraceptives, he or she is already sexually active or is planning to be. The contraceptives are evidence that your teen is trying to be sexually responsible, too. Let’s go through the response choices individually.
A). A hug will reassure your teen of your unconditional love and acceptance. That’s important because if your first response is to yell, “WHAT IS THIS DOING IN YOUR ROOM?” your child will clam up and find a better hiding place next time.
B) Saying, “I’m proud of you for using protection,” doesn’t mean that you’re happy about your teen’s decision to be sexually active. It does praise your teen’s interest in being responsible enough to protect against pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infection (STI).
C) While you may feel you’ve messed up if your teen is having sex, you’ve done something right if your teen has contraceptives. You either taught about sexual responsibility or reared a child smart enough to find answers independently.
D) Saying, “Let’s talk” gives you a chance to discuss some really important issues like these:
- Is the sexual activity consensual, i.e., do both partners want to participate in sexual intercourse, or is one partner feeling pressured?
- Are the contraceptives sufficient? Condoms protect against pregnancy and some STIs, but they can break if used incorrectly. A prescription or over-the-counter contraceptive should be used with the condom if your teen has an opposite-sex partner.
- Has your teen been tested for STIs and/or examined by a healthcare provider? Has the partner? Testing should happen on a regular basis, once someone (teen or adult) is sexually active.
- Is the sexual activity occurring in a safe, private space? Teens have told me about classmates having sex in cars in the school parking lot, behind the stage curtains in the auditorium, in pools at friends’ parties…in short, in locations where they could be caught by authority figures or, worse, by peers with cell phone cameras.
- How did your teen get contraceptives? Some teens share pill packs, which is a risky practice. Grocery stores and pharmacies are fine for condoms and over-the-counter contraceptives. Clinics like Planned Parenthood provide low-cost prescription contraceptives and high-quality care. However, if your child has health issues, a primary care physician might be a better option for contraceptive counseling. Your teen may have forgotten to inform the clinic about allergies and medications.
- Is your teen in a monogamous relationship, or are there multiple partners? Try not be be judgmental, even if you’re not happy with the answer. Explain that the more partners one has in a lifetime, the greater the exposure to STIs, including those that cannot be cured with a dose of antibiotics. Talk about the emotional risks and benefits of different types of relationships.
- Is your teen comfortable with and happy about his or her sexual activity? Explain that you don’t mean to get too personal but you do want to make sure that your teen is having sex because it is both emotionally and physically pleasing, not as a response to peer pressure or to keep a boyfriend or girlfriend interested.
- Has your teen considered what would happen in the event of an unplanned pregnancy? What options are available and acceptable, given your personal values, your teen’s goals and capabilities, and your access to healthcare?
Finding a teen’s contraceptives can be a shock for both you and your teen, but if you handle it calmly, you can protect you child’s self-esteem, health, and future.
Should You Manscape?
December 10, 2009
Is a hairy man sexy? Depends on who you ask. Some men and women are attracted to hairy males — they love the look, feel, and downright virility of it. Others prefer a clean slate, so to speak. What’s a man to do, if he doesn’t know the taste of the person sitting by him at the bar?
A recent article about “manscaping” says the while the recession has caused women to spend less on grooming, more men are hitting spas for hair removal services. Neck, back, chest, arms, fingers and groins are all being strrrrrrrrripped of hair (Guys, don’t look for sympathy from your female friends — a Brazilian wax ain’t no picnic).
The increase in body waxing may be relaxed to the rarely hairy bodies in magazines, films, advertisements, etc. I can’t recall the last time a hirsute man was picked as one of People’s Sexiest Men Alive. But that’s not to say a hairy guy can’t be hot if he tries. That’s where manscaping comes in.
Manscaping is to the body what a good hairstyle is to your head. It enhances your looks and calls attention to your most important features. Go for the bare, glistening look if you want to flaunt your body. But otherwise, trim, wax or shave only selected areas that’ll count the most, i.e., the backs of your hands, your neck and your feet and ankles, and your pubic area. You don’t have to shave off your body hair, but do tame it enough so that people notice you, not your hair.
Some couples find it arousing to groom each others’ bodies. If that’s true for you, stick to the scissors and shaver, and leave the wax to the experts. Nothing’s sexy about a wax burn in a very sensitive spot.
Here’s the full article that I mentioned earlier.
What’s Afoot with the Foot Fetish?
December 9, 2009
A young woman asked me last week what to do about her boyfriend’s foot fetish. The first thing I asked her was, “What’s the problem?” Some people like breasts, some like butts or legs, and yes, some get aroused by feet.
Labeling an turn-on a fetish can be a put down, since our society tends to consider fetishes a sign of metal illness. In truth, though, a specific turn-on is only a problem if it interferes with someone’s life and relationships. If two people can accept and adapt to the specific sexual interest, they can incorporate it successfully into their relationship.
The woman who asked me about her boyfriend’s attraction to feet may, once she stops worrying about it, enjoy having her feet caressed, sucked, licked or masturbated on. If, however, she finds the attention annoying, she needs to tell her partner. Perhaps they can compromise by incorporating occasional footplay into their sex life but not letting it dominate every interaction.
An arousal pattern can veer into unhealthy behavior if it interferes with someone’s life and ability to have the relationships that person may want to have. In these instances, it’s time to talk with an AASECT-certified sex therapist.
If you’re OK with highly specific turn-ons and more consuming sexual fetishes, you can find many informational sources online, including the Fetish Information Exchange .
Parents Say Too Little, Too Late
December 8, 2009
A new study has found that parents are saying too little, too late when it comes to talking with children about sex. Here’s why and when you should step in.
The Harvard study, published in the current issue of Pediatrics, found that parents tend to wait until after their teens become sexually active to discuss sex with them. While it’s good that parents are talking about sex at all, they clearly need to do it sooner if they hope to influence their teens’ behavior.
The study participants included teens ages 13-17 and their parents. With about 140 participants, the sample was small, but the findings are important.
- 1 in 4 girls said their parents hadn’t taught them how to resist pressure for sex
- 2/3 of the boys said their parents did not teach them how to use a condom
- 2 in 5 girls said that they had not discussed contraceptives with a parent
- 2 in 5 girls had not discussed what to do if a partner refuses to use a condom
- Boys and girls reported their parents did not discuss protection against sexually transmitted infection or the lesson that “no means no”
I suspect that the discrepancy is caused by parents’ incorrect assumptions about the age at which their children will become interested in sex and the peer pressures facing even those children who aren’t yet interested in sex.
Many parents I speak with are so focused on discussing puberty-related changes with their children that they forget the big picture. Yes, it’s important to talk about changing needs for hygeine and grooming, about erections and menstrual periods, and about family rules for dating curfews. But letting a teen date without discussing sexual activity is like giving a teen car keys without driving lessons. Your teen may manage to avoid injury, but doesn’t it make sense to teach the rules of the road first?
A report in the August 2009 issue of Contraception included data on teens’ sexual debut, i.e., when they have their first sexual experience. The researchers found that by age 17…
- 28% of Asian females and 33% of Asian males have had sex
- 58% of white females and 53% white males have had sex
- 59% of Latina females and 69% of Latino males have had sex
- 74% African American females and 82% African American males have had sex
Parents of any race may assume their teens are non-sexually active, and statistically, some of those parents would be right. But why leave it to chance? One thing we know for sure, after decades of study, is that discussing sex does not lead teens to be more sexually active. Indeed, some teens decide to put off becoming sexually active after discussing the potential positive and negative impacts of sexual activity.
Since teens are unlikely to state, over dinner, that they are considering having sex, it’s wise to initiate conversations yourself. Advocates for Youth, a terrific sexuality education resource site for educators and parents, offers handy sex ed guidelines for when should parents start talking, and about what, so that conversations are developmentally appropriate.
Some parents who believe their teens are considering sexual activity or may already be active keep condoms and back-up contraception (foam, film, sponge, jelly) in the house. The next step should be to talk with adolescents and teens about the decision making that should take place prior to using contraception:
- Am I safe emotionally and physically with this person?
- How might my personal and spiritual values affect my decisions about sexual activity?
- Can I trust this person to maintain my dignity and privacy?
- Have this partner and I discussed how having sex might affect us individually and as a couple?
- How would my partner and I respond to an unplanned pregnancy?
- What kind of contraception should we use, and suppose my partner won’t use contraception?
- Do we need to be tested for sexually transmitted infections?
- What should I do if my partner wants to do something I don’t want to do?
- If I have sex, can I decide not to do it again?
- If we decide not to have sex now, how can we express closeness and intimacy within our boundaries?
These are important questions for teens to consider before becoming sexually active, and you can help by, at the very least, bringing the questions to your teens’ attention. Even better, offer to help your teen think through all the possible answers and their ramifications.