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What Does Transgender Day of Remembrance Mean to Parents?
November 20, 2009
When babies are born, we envision their lives to be happy and successful, and many of those visions are gender-based. Baby boys receive stuffed footballs and baseballs to encourage them to grow up to enjoy sports. Girls receive cuddly bunnies and dolls to prepare for their future motherhood.
This happens even though we enjoy more freedom from traditional gender roles than in the past. Today’s baby boys may grow up to be primary child care givers, and today’s baby girls may build houses and run financial institutions. That’s the good news. The bad news is that life is still difficult for children whose gender is more complicated than career choices. For these children, atypical gender could cost them their life.
For individuals whose gender identity does not match their physical sex (transgender), life can be very difficult. Each day is fraught with concerns about not fitting into parents’, friends’ and society’s expectations. Very young children may struggle to hide their true feelings for fear of being teased, punished or bullied. Puberty can be an extremely challenging time for transgender children whose bodies change and become even more foreign to them.
Transgender children, teens and adults are among the most marginalized people in our society. Every day, they face the threat or realization of emotional or physical abuse. Many transgender individuals have been murdered simply for trying to be who they really are. Today is National Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day set aside to remember those who have lost their lives because of their trans identity (or others’ perception of their identity).
What does this mean for parents? If your child consistently self-identifies as expected, based on his or her physical sex, please be a role model for empathy for people of all gender identities and forms of expression. Avoid making jokes and snide remarks when you see someone who doesn’t fit your idea of “normal,” and correct your children if they do. If your child consistently self-identifies in a way that surprises you, discuss your observations with your child’s physician or a gender specialist. By all means, support your child’s freedom to be gender expressive in a way that suits your child’s self-identity.
In the scheme of things, it’s not important that our boys be boys or girls be girls. It is important that all children, teens and adults feel loved, respected, and safe.
Resources for Parents of Transgender Children
Always My Child: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered or Questioning Son or Daughter
Kevin Jennings with Pat Shapiro, MSW
The text addresses issues ranging from communicating with your child to answering questions, recognizing signs of harassment, and being an advocate for your child.
10,000 Dresses
Marcus Ewert
This great children’s picture book focuses on self-acceptance and identity and features Bailey, an openly transgender protagonist who dreams of beautiful dresses despite a family that keeps reminding him, “You’re a boy, and that’s that.”
She’s Not There
Jennifer Finney Boylan
This one’s for parents of transgender children, or for teens identifying themselves as transgender who need a boost of courage. It’s the autobiography of Jennifer, who was anatomically male but identified as female. Jennifer was past 40 before she had surgery to make her body suit her self image, and she’s now a beautiful female college professor (she retained her job after her physical transformation). The book includes a chapter by her male best friend, who gives an honest account of how difficult it was for him to understand and accept the author’s transition.
Transgender Day of Remembrance
November 20, 2009
Please pause today to consider how you can help protect the lives and safety of transgender individuals. Today is National Transgender Day of Remembrance in honor of all those who have been killed for expressing their true identity.
Visit Hooters for Sex Ed? Not.
November 13, 2009
If you want to assess your child’s sexual knowledge and emotional development, please don’t follow this father’s example:
Bob Elston, of Herndon, VA, recently blogged about trying to determine his 11-year-old son’s readiness for “the birds and bees talk.” He took his is son to Hooters, a franchise restaurant featuring attractive female waitstaff in tank tops and short shorts. Along for the trip were one of the boy’s friends, the friend’s father, and the boy’s grandparents. Elston’s wife approved of the outing. Elston wrote that he wanted to see how his son acted around women in a “real life” situation.
“If he drooled and couldn’t take his eyes of the waitress, then that would be an unmistakable cue to me to start preparing another birds and the bees talk. If he acted embarrassed and shy, then that would be a sign that such a pointed talk could wait a bit. “
I have several concerns about Elston’s experiment:
- He tried to measure his son’s sexual maturity by taking him to a place that treats women as sex objects;
- He created a sexualized scenario in order to spy on his son;
- He presumed a boy’s response to adult women would reflect his attitudes toward girls his own age;
- He thought that if his son didn’t ogle women, a discussion about puberty could wait;
- He assumed his son was heterosexual and might be aroused by an attractive woman;
- He forgot how intimidating sexy adults can be to pre-teens;
- He involved grandparents and friends in an experiment involving his son’s sexual development;
- He exposed his son to ridicule at school by blogging about the experiment and posting his son’s photo online;
- He tried to illustrate Hooters’ wholesomeness by posting a photo of the boys with the waitress and implying that it wasn’t a sexualized environment because the waitress didn’t have large breasts.
I could go on and on about what was wrong with that scenario, but instead, I’ll suggest a better approach: Don’t spy on your children, talk to them!
By consistently re-opening the door to communication, including conversations about sexuality, you send the message that you are comfortable discussing even the most sensitive issues. Communicate age-appropriate information that supports your child’s emotional and physical health, and offer reassurance that your child is normal in terms of development, feelings and socialization.
Don’t put your child in a Hooters-branded petri dish. Try this instead:
- Weave short messages about sexuality into ordinary conversations so it becomes natural to make comments that boost self-esteem, encourage curiosity, and foster good hygiene and sexual health;
- Clarify questions your child asks. Rephrase the question and invite your child to guess the answer so you can correct inaccuracies;
- Share conversational opportunities with your co-parent. The parent’s gender is irrelevant;
- Admit to being embarrassed, if you are.
- Listen to and honor your child’s ideas and opinions, even if you disagree. Share your opinions without putting your child down.
- Help your child develop strategies for making values-based social and sexual decisions. Start with the basics, like how to be a good friend and treat others with respect.
Finally, keep your kids out of restaurants like Hooters because, despite their claim to be “family friendly,” their objectification of women says otherwise.
The B-word, V-word, the P-word…What’s in a name?
November 1, 2009
Airbags, bazoombas, boobs, boobies, bosoms, cans, cha-chas, chesticles, funbags, gazongas, girls, hooters, jugs, knockers, mammaries, melons, mounds, num-nums, pair, rack, tatas, tits, titties, yabbos, yazoos…
There are hundreds of nicknames for breasts and just as many slang terms for vulvas, vaginas, penises and scrotums. Why are there so many euphemisms for sexual body parts? Is it true, as people often claim, that the “real” words aren’t sexy? Do they sound too medical for use in the bedroom?
People use slang for many reasons ranging from embarrassment to shame, religious/cultural/ethnic upbringing, worry about using wrong term, and concern about embarrassing others. I think it’s time to take the “real” terms out of the doctor’s office and incorporate them into private life. Let’s honor the body by reclaiming terms that help us communicate clearly and freely about our bodies.
A flannel pajama-wearing friend once told me, “It’s not what you wear to bed that counts, it’s how you wear it.” The same can be true for words that describe the sexual body. Think about it the next time you’re breathing heavily and say, “Oooo, I love it when you stroke my _____ just like that…”
A love story in Post-It notes
November 1, 2009
A friend just sent me this link to a lovely little short film about an office romance conducted through the ubiquitous Post-It note. A day brightener, to be sure. To view it, click on the title, here
Post-It Love.