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Differently Abled Kids Need Sex Ed, Too
October 6, 2009
Who will love your child? Who will find your child sexually attractive? These aren’t questions parents of young children routinely worry about…unless their children differ from the norm.
Will a child with a physical disability or developmental delay enjoy a first kiss, let alone a positive, mature sexual relationship in adulthood? It’s entirely possible, if the child grows up with a feeling of self-esteem and empowerment as well as with sexuality education.
Some parents fail to discuss sexuality with disabled and developmentally delayed children for fear of putting ideas into their heads — ideas about being less desirable than one’s peers or ideas that lead to experimenting with something that feels as good as sex can feel. Or, they assume their children have fewer sexual urges or less sexual curiosity than other kids.
Quickly consider which of the following statements* is true or false:
1. People with disabilities do not feel the desire to have sex.
2. People with developmental and physical abilities are child-like and dependent.
3. People with disabilities are oversexed and unable to control their sexual urges.
* Thanks for Advocates for Youth for these questions.
None of these statements is true for all kids with special needs, which is why it is essential for parents to discuss sexuality with their children from Day 1, just as they should with children without disabilities and developmental delays.
Early conversations can start with body part naming and the teaching of private self-touch versus acceptable public behavior. Children with limited mobility may not be able to explore their own bodies, so parents can provide toddlers with an unbreakable mirror or with picture books. From a young age, children with special needs should be encouraged to speak openly about their bodies and to understand the kinds of touch that are safe and acceptable. When these conversations are routine, they instill important lessons rather than fear.
When puberty brings physical changes and sexual urges to adolescents, parents need to shift conversational gears. It’s important to acknowledge phases of sexual development and to empower adolescents to enjoy their own bodies in a sexual manner. Masturbation may be an awkward topic to discuss at first, but consider the value of talking about self-pleasure as a way to feel less need to turn to others for sexual relief!
For more ideas about talking about sexuality with children with special needs, take a look at these resources recommended by behavior analyst Sorah Stein, MA, BCBA (Ideas for teachers follow this book list):
– Couwenhoven, T. (2007) Teaching Children with Down Syndrome About Their Bodies, Boundaries, and Sexuality. Bethesda, MD: Woodbine House
– Fegan, L., Rauch, A. & McCarthy, W. (1993). Sexuality and People with Intellectual Disability, 2nd ed. Baltimore, MD: Paul H. Brooks Publishing Co.
– Hingsburger, D. (1995) Just Say Know! Eastman, Quebec, Canada: Diverse City Press.
– Kaufman, M., Silverberg, C. & Odette, F. (2003). The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability. San Francisco: Cleis Press.
– Walker-Hirsch, L. (2007). The Facts of Life and More: Sexuality and Intimacy for People with Intellectual Disabilities. Baltimore, MD: Paul H. Brooks.
Resources for teachers and others:
– PossAbilities offers this curriculum for youth with developmental delays.
– Sexualityandu.ca produces excellent Sex Education for Youth with Intellectual Disabilities.
and Sex Education for Youth with Physical Disabilities.
– Advocates for Youth has a wealth of resources
Are Some Words Too Dirty for the Dictionary?
October 6, 2009
When I was 11, I took great pride in knowing more “dirty” words than other girls in my class. While those words still wouldn’t be appropriate in a job interview, they pepper a lot of teen and adult conversations — mine included.
Sexual slang has several functions:
– Poking fun at something one considers offensive or embarrassing
– Protecting people from hearing something that might be inappropriate for young people or more conservative listeners
– Hiding ignorance of true names for sexual anatomy (When was the last time you heard the term frenulum used to describe one of the sexually sensitive areas of the penis?)
– Adding spice to a sexual routine
I’m not a fan of the first three functions because I believe the best communication stems from being direct. I do, however, encourage people to experiment with language during sexual encounters. A whispered, “Do me. Now.” can be a lot more enticing than, “Would you like to join me for a session of sexual intercourse?”
If you’re interested in adding dirty talk to your sexual bag ‘o tricks, start off easy to gauge your partner’s receptiveness to the idea. You may want to ask whether certain words turn-on or turn-off your partner. At a loss for words? Visit a magazine or book store and pick up some erotic or pornographic reading material. Don’t bother renting porn video to learn sexual slang because porn “dialogue” is typically limited to two verbs and a lot of grunting. Then again, you could turn the sound off and create your own dialogue for practice.
Another option is to read Jessica Sheidlower’s column in Slate.com. She details exactly which print and online dictionaries have all the good dirty words. (Note: the column may set off your home or office obscenity filters).
Happy reading, and happy sex!