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Boys, Girls & Sexual Pressure
June 30, 2009
Something’s terribly wrong when a 14-year-old girl thinks suicide is the only way to escape her boyfriend’s insistence on having sex.
Visibly upset, a father told me recently that his daughter was so distraught by the pressure her boyfriend put on her to have sex that she thought suicide would be easier than continuing to resist him. She confided in a teacher, who alerted the father, who found the girl a therapist. After assuring him that therapy was a good idea, I asked him, “What happened to the boy?”
“The boy?” he asked.
“Yes, the boy who pressured your daughter. The boy who pressured her so much she was ready to kill herself to avoid him. What happened to him?”
“Nothing, I guess,” said the father.
Nothing? Why was this being treated as the girl’s problem? Why was the boy free to treat another girl the same way with nary a word of reprimand? If he had bullied a boy to near-suicide, he would have been punished. Should sexual bullying be treated differently? I don’t think so.
I encouraged the father to talk to the boy’s parents or discuss the situation with a counselor from the teens’ school. My hope, I told him, would be for an adult to talk with the boy about respecting boundaries and about his own sexual decision-making.
Sharing Sexual Responsibility
Females have historically been the sexual gatekeepers within male-female relationships, burdened with the task of protecting their virginity, honor and reputation by holding off male sexual advances until marriage. I won’t get into an historical analysis of this tradition, but I will argue for equity: It’s time for males to share the responsibility for saying no when the situation calls for it, to respect a partner’s boundaries, and, when the time is right for both partners to say Yes, to share the responsibility for protection against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.
Let’s get back to the family introduced earlier. The father began our conversation by asking whether he responded correctly when his daughter changed his cell phone ring tone to a song lyric in which a male used degrading language to demand oral sex from a female.
When the father discovered the new ring tone, he explained to his daughter how inappropriate her actions were. He said he told her, “Suppose that ring tone went off when I was with parents of your friends? Can you imagine what they would think of me?”
He was wise to get her to consider the ramifications of her actions, and I suggested they also discuss her choice of song. What message was the singer putting across, and how did that make his daughter feel as a female?
I’m grateful that a conversation about a teachable moment opened the door to a much more important conversation about this girl’s suicidal episode. It was an example of what parents should do: take an off-hand remark, a song on the radio, a TV commercial, or a news story, and use it to start a conversation about sexuality, sexual health, and sexual responsibility.
Too often, these conversations take place between mothers and daughters, with sons left to come to their own conclusions and make their own rules. Parents, it’s time to step up to the plate. Talk to your sons about the pressures they face to be sexually active, the pressure they may be putting on partners, and the ramifications of the choices they make.
HPV & Safer Anal Sex
June 27, 2009
Most reports of actress Farrah Faucett’s death neglected to mention that she had anal cancer, presumably because news outlets were hesitant to mention the type of cancer. That’s a shame, since anal cancer rates are increasing. ABC News was among the few news outlets to publish a good article on it, which you can read here.
Anal cancer is thought to be associated with the human papilloma virus (HPV), which is sexually transmitted. As HPV rates rise and increasing numbers of people engage in anal sex (or at least talk about it more), it’s important to share information on how to protect against the virus. A US Center for Disease Control determined in 2005, that heterosexual anal intercourse is on the rise with 40% of men and 35% of women reporting they’ve engaged in it, compared to a quarter to a third of gay men, according to a British study.
Many teens engage in anal sex because they think it allows them to retain their virginity while eliminating the risk of pregnancy. The virginity argument can be debated endlessly; what’s clear is that unprotected heterosexual anal intercourse can lead to pregnancy when semen smears or drips or otherwise comes into contact with the vaginal opening.
Anal sex is a particularly easy way to transmit and acquire sexually transmitted infections because the tissues of the anus and rectum have no natural lubrication and are easily torn, thus providing entry points for bacteria and viruses. If you’ve had unprotected anal intercourse, ask your doctor about whether you should get an anal Pap test. It’s a simple swab that can determine the presence of abnormal cells. The jury is still out on who needs the test and if so, how often. Read more here. Of course, the best approach is to protect yourself beforehand, rather than hope for negative test results later.
Safe Anal Sex
Anal penetration with fingers, tongues, toys, dildos or penises should be preceded with a discussion of risk and should only be participated in with each partners’ consent. Condoms (male or female) should be used along with a generous amount of lubricant (Slippery Stuff is recommended). If you don’t have lube available, try olive oil, Crisco, or lots of saliva. The receptive partner (the person being penetrated) should control the pace of entry and movement. Add more lube as needed. If anything hurts, relax, breathe, lube up, and slow down. Or stop. You can always try again some other time.
For more information about anal sex, look for how-to books by Tristan Taormino and Bill Smart.
Teen Talk Website Helps Teens, Parents
June 27, 2009
Teen Talk is a new web content area designed to offer teens and parents information about sexuality and sexual health. Hosted by Planned Parenthood, the site is provides objective information in a easy-to-understand manner. Teens will appreciate the tone, which is chatty and informational, and parents with children of all ages will appreciate the tips on how to discuss sex.
The site also includes an area for teachers looking for “everything from curricula to program evaluation tools.” Visit the website here.
Sex Addiction Resource for Orthodox Jews
June 27, 2009
A new online resource is available for Orthodox Jews looking for support as they deal with sex addiction, or as the site calls it, lust addiction. Called “Guard Ur Eyes” the site offers guidance and a 12-step online support group. Visit the site here
Also, a new “kosher” search engine filters material considered unacceptable by many Orthodox Jews. Called Koogle, the site is published in Hebrew with an English-language mirror site. It links to vendors of products considered acceptable by many Orthodox rabbis, including sites for restaurants, clothing, flooring, etc.
From my brief look at the vendor list, it appears that the directory only provides physical addresses (all in Israel) and phone numbers of vendors, not website links. Also, the news, book reviews, etc. are published in Hebrew. The search engine is not operational on Shabbat. To reach the English site, click here
Clearing the Air on Erotic Asphyxiation
June 6, 2009
I’ve never had the urge to be choked during sex, not even a little bit. So it’s a hard for me to understand the appeal of sexual asphyxiation.
This sexual activity was in the news as the apparent cause of actor David Carradine’s death. He died, presumably by accident, while hanging from a closet clothing rod with a curtain tie around his neck and genitals. Most likely, he was attempting to restrict his breathing to induce intense sexual release.
I firmly believe that consenting adults should do whatever turns them on, as long as they don’t hurt non-consenting individuals. Carradine struck me as an intelligent man, so he probably knew the risks of engaging in his sexual turn-on. So this post isn’t for people like Carradine, who participate in the activity without plans to stop. Rather, it’s for people who may be curious enough about sexual asphyxia to want to try it, and I highly recommend that you don’t. Fantasize about it if doing so turns you on, but don’t actually do it.
Sexual asphyxia is also known as breath play, erotic asphyxiation, hypoxiphilia or asphyxiophilia. It can be practiced as a solo masturbatory activity or by couples who get turned on by danger and tests of trust in their partner. Participants may put their head in a plastic bag or tie a rope or belt around their neck, or one partner may cover the other’s mouth and nose with a pillow, a hand, or other body parts until the partner orgasms, faints, or in some cases, dies.
Sexual asphyxia can never be construed as “safe,” even with release measures or sexual partners on hand to call for help. Brain damage occurs any time oxygen cannot reach the brain. No one can tell when “enough is enough” where oxygen restriction is concerned.
If you’re interested in learning more about breath play (and again, I suggest that you limit your involvement to fantasy), read this piece by forensic psychologist Dr. Stephen Hucker, this piece by cultural sexologist Carol Queen, and this article from The Independent, a British newspaper.