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Sex, Lies, and Virginity Pledges
April 30, 2009
When my sisters and I were little, our parents made it clear that the consequences for lying would be worse than the punishment for our screw ups. We slipped a few times, but we grew into responsible adults thanks to our parents’ consistent emphasis on honesty and integrity.
I doubt a parent exists–including my parents and me–who hasn’t been lied to at some point, and the natural response is to feel angry and frustrated. Immediate consequences are essential but so is a deeper lesson about the value of honesty. Children need to know that truth is not conditional. When taught this lesson early and often, they may be less likely to risk their health and others’ health when they become sexually active later on.
A popular boy at my high school bragged about telling sex partners he couldn’t impregnate them because he had had a vasectomy; he even showed them a tiny scar as proof, a scar his best friend said was actually from minor surgery to correct a vascular problem. The boy eventually married a classmate after getting her pregnant, and while I don’t know if he told his vasectomy lie to her, I do know that becoming a young spouse and parent hadn’t been in his plans, and it probably wasn’t the life his bride had planned, either.
Carelessness, lack of planning and ignorance can result in pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection (STI), but dishonesty can be a contributing factor, too. Partners can lie about their health status, their intentions, and their use of protection against STIs and pregnancy. At best, the lies can be emotionally distressing; at worst, life altering.
The clash between intention and reality
Some parents believe that asking their children to take a virginity pledge will protect them from the emotional and physical risks of sexual activity. That view assumes teens have an adult capacity to think and act rationally. In truth, teens may intend to honor the pledge, but statistically, they’ll only hold out for about 18 months longer than teens who don’t pledge. It’s not a matter of being dishonest when they make the pledge; rather, it’s a reflection of conflicting desires and changing perceptions.
Harvard University researchers studied the responses of seventh- through twelfth-grade students who participated in the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health and found that teens who pledge to remain virgins until marriage are likely to deny having taken the pledge if they later become sexually active. Conversely, those who were sexually active before taking the pledge frequently deny their sexual history.
Study author Janet Rosenbaum was quoted in the American Journal of Public Health as saying that teens who deny their sexual pasts actually perceive their new history to be correct, which can lead them to underestimate their risk of contracting STI from pre-pledge sexual behavior.
Honesty is a key ingredient of healthy sexuality. If one partner cannot trust the other to tell the truth about previous sexual activity, they are both at increased risk. And as the research shows, some teens are even lying to themselves.
Be honest about what you can control
Parents cannot force teens to abide by their rules or recommendations regarding sexual activity. They can, however, consistently emphasizing the importance of honesty in all areas of life, both with others and oneself. When these messages are repeated from early childhood through the teenage years, parents are doing their best to keep their children happy and healthy as they grow up.
Tips for Teaching Honesty to Young Children
- Explain what honesty is and why it is important, using age-appropriate language and examples.
- Praise honesty, especially when it would have been tempting to lie.
- Model honesty. Observing you tell “little white lies” will confuse children who cannot differentiate the seriousness of one lie versus another.
- Don’t react so strongly to infractions that your child is afraid to tell the truth. Institute reasonable consequences that fit the infraction, and explain them calmly so your child is apologetic, not fearful.
Tips for Encouraging Honesty in Adolescents and Teens
- Converse regularly with your older children. If your schedules prohibit family dinners on weeknights, create other opportunities for conversation. Let your child know you are available for and open to dialog.
- Spend more time listening than speaking.
- Give up the grudge. Even children who lied in the past can grow and change. Explain that you want to wipe the slate clean.
- Allow older children the privacy to think freely and interact socially with peers. This means assuring them you won’t read their diaries, rifle their bedroom drawers, or spy on their conversations. Giving teens some space can encourage them to be more honest with you when it counts. Retain your right to investigate if their safety is at issue, of course.
- Reserve judgment. Your first impression of your children’s friends may be negative, but that may change once you get to know them. If you prohibit your child from socializing with them, you may set the scene for your child to sneak around behind your back.
- Set limits and make suggestions, but don’t require adolescents and teens to make promises and pledges they may not be able to keep.
- Invite conversation about how sexual activity fits into human relationships. Discuss how honesty or dishonesty can affect one’s decisions to be sexually active, and discuss the possible rewards and ramifications of specific decisions.
The Naked Truth
April 25, 2009
Nothing’s cuter than a naked baby enjoying freedom from diapers and clothes. Naked toddlers are pretty cute too, as they splash in the tub or walk around with nothing on but a smile and a parent’s shoes. Things change around preschool and kindergarten age, when kids pick up on other peoples’ attitudes about sexuality and develop their own ideas. Since parents help shape children’s attitudes, it pays to be mindful of the messages being sent.
In some families, nudity is acceptable for parents and kids. In other families, everyone is fully dressed in front of each other at all times. A lot of families fall in the middle, with some nudity accepted until children reach a certain age or developmental stage – often around toddlerhood.
Is it time to knock off the nudity?
Is there an age at which kids and/or parents should stop being naked around each other? That’s a question every family answerd based on their values and personal experiences.
One mom told me that by age three, her son and daughters could recite acceptable places to be undressed (at home without guests, in the doctor’s office, in the swimming pool locker room, etc.) Said the mom, “Until the age of three or three and one-half, looking at other bodies can help them to gauge where they fit into the animal kingdom. After that age, adults need not act as if being naked is a taboo.”
Another mom told me, “The last time my Dad gave me a bath, I must have been about four. He told me that it would be the last time because I was going to be starting school soon and daddies did not see their daughters without clothes once they got to be big girls.”
Seven Notes on Nudity
- If you are more comfortable with nudity than your child is, respect your child’s comfort level. Throw on a robe during conversations, and put on some clothes before cuddling.
- If you prefer maintaining your privacy, don’t freak out if your child sees you naked or half dressed. Calmly cover yourself and say you need a minute alone to get dressed. Later, remind your child to request permission before opening a closed bedroom or bathroom door.
- Public bathroom stalls make respecting modesty challenging, but not impossible. If your child likes privacy but is too young to go in a stall alone, avert your eyes and balance your checkbook, file your nails, or dig for a wayward coupon in your bag. Gain your own privacy by keeping a toy handy for bathroom stops or by letting your child play with the ring tones on your phone (use the low volume setting so you don’t bother others in the bathroom!).
- If your child sees you naked and asks a question about your body, perhaps, “Dad, why are your testicles so hairy?” keep your answer simple. Or, tell your child you’ll answer as soon as you’re dressed. Remain calm, even if you’ve been caught off guard – if you start stammering, your child may think it was wrong to be curious.
- If your child wants to help you dress but you prefer privacy, you might say, “After I’m dressed, would you like to pick out earrings or socks for me to wear?”
- Teach children that they own their bodies and all the rights to it, which means that no one, including peers, relatives or non-family members, should ask them to take their clothes off (except for bed, bath, doctor visits, etc.). They do not need details about child abuse, since the point is to educate them, not terrify them.
- Teach children not to pressure other kids or siblings to get naked.
Online games promote smart sexting decision making
April 25, 2009
This article includes a link to an online game designed to help adolescents and teens make decisions regarding “sexting,” of the texting of sexually graphic images.
http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2009/04/a-kinder-gentler-response-to-sexting.ars
How to End Your Wedding Day with a Bang!
April 17, 2009
Wedding night sex has been a big deal since marriage was invented, and it can make even experienced lovers nervous. It’s as if “I do” makes the marriage legal, but getting naked seals the deal. You and your spouse-to-be probably wonder:
- What should I wear?
- Should I keep my makeup on?
- Am I supposed to know the ropes?
- What if I’m too tired?
- What if I’m too drunk?
- What if the sex is awful?
Relax. In the long run, it won’t matter what the sex was like on your wedding night. What matters is the attitude you have about sex. If you’ve got a negative attitude, the sex will be lousy. If you see sex as a way to express love, to be intimate, to de-stress and to have fun, the rest will take care of itself. Even on your wedding night.
Establishing a habit of talking about sex without embarrassment both before you have sex, during, and after. It gets easier in time. Discuss birth control several months before the wedding, and select protection that makes you both comfortable.
Early on your wedding day, send your honey an “I can’t wait to be alone with you” note or a romantic gift of scented bubble bath, massage oil or candles. When you’re finally alone after the festivities, put on lingerie that makes you feel gorgeous (guys, silk boxers look and feel great). If you’re not generally into lingerie, consider this: a wedding or commitment ceremony makes a gift of your body and soul to your partner. Lingerie is like sexy wrapping that reveals a very special gift!
If you’re too exhausted for sex, say so. You may decide together that lovemaking can wait until you’re rested in the morning. Or, get a second wind by taking a restorative soak (alone or together) in a bubble bath. Nibble on serotonin-rich chocolate so you’ll be more responsive to touch, and then swap sensual massages.
When you get together, explore your partner’s body with as much curiosity and admiration you’d want your partner to explore yours with — even if you’ve had sex many times before. If things don’t go perfectly, there’s always tomorrow.
Your first official night as a couple is an important passage in your life . Enjoy it, savor it, but don’t take it too seriously. You’ve got a lifetime to practice.
Female Orgasm 101
April 13, 2009
What’s the big deal with female orgasms? A lot, if you’re frustrated because you’ve never experienced one or if having one is a struggle. Fortunately, orgasmic troubles often can be resolved with a little education, practice, and, if necessary, consultation with a healthcare provider or sexuality professional.
What is an orgasm?
An orgasm is a brief period of intense physical release after a build-up in sexual tension. During an orgasm, most women experience:
- Muscle contractions in the vagina and uterus
- Increased blood pressure, heart rate and breathing
- Decreased sensitivity to pain (temporary)
- A sudden, forceful release of sexual tension
- Flushing (blushing) over the entire body
- Some women release fluid produced by the Skene’s glands (aka Female Prostate) through the urethra. This “female ejaculate” is not urine, and it can range from a few drops of fluid to a significant amount.
Why are people so interested in orgasms?
Because they feel good! They can help you relax, fall asleep or even energize you. They also exercise your pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, which supports your internal organs and can enhance overall sexual pleasure. If you have a sexual partner who cares about your sexual satisfaction, orgasms may bring you closer emotionally. If your partner doesn’t care about your satisfaction, kick him or her out of bed.
Orgasms are usually the peak of a four-stage sexual response cycle, even though you may respond differently.
- Seduction — This stage starts when you think about whether to shave your legs, put on perfume, change the sheets, wear something sexy, etc. Or when your partner nibbles your neck, or perhaps you’re by yourself, and you think about finding a private place for some personal play.
- Sensations – During this stage, you’re playing with yourself or a partner, and your excitement builds until you reach a plateau where everything’s feeling good, your vagina is wet, and you’re not about to stop.
- Surrender – This is the point at which an orgasm occurs if you can surrender completely to the moment, not caring what your face looks like, what sounds you’re making, or whether your body’s perfect. In other words, you’re 100% focused on pleasure.
- Reflection – Ahhhh. You’re sweaty, catching your breath, resting…or gathering your bearings for another go-round: During this stage, you’ll reflect on the sexual experience: if it was good, you’ll be eager for the next time adventure; if it was mediocre or worse, you’ll be less interested in a future go-round.
Orgasm may be difficult if you…
- Don’t feel free to express yourself sexually
- Are unfamiliar with your sexual anatomy
- Focus only on your partner
- Don’t allow enough time for arousal and stimulation
- Are embarrassed by your sexual responses
- Feel guilty about enjoying sex
- Take medication that reduces desire
- Have a sexual disorder
The bottom line is that orgasms can be elusive for many women, for many reasons. If you can’t solve the problem yourself, don’t hesitate to seek help from your physician, a sex therapist, or a sex educator.
You’re the first step to your pleasure
If you’re familiar with how your body responds, orgasms will be easier, and you’ll be able to coach a partner through what makes or moan with pleasure. Set aside time for self exploration, starting with a mirror so you can see what your labia majora (outer lips), labia minora (inner lips), clitoris, clitoral hood, urethral opening, vaginal opening, and anus look like. Expect to look different from the pictures in erotic media: No two vulvas look alike, especially the inner lips, which vary from woman to woman – and even from left to right side in the same woman.
Once you know the lay of the land, put the mirror away, get comfortable, and try touching yourself gentle, firmly, in little circles – whatever comes naturally. See what feels good…and what feels better. You might enjoy using a little lubricant, a vibrator, or even a pillow to rub against. If something feels really, good…continue what you’re doing, by all means! Don’t pressure yourself to have an orgasm. You can always play more some other time.
If you’re uncomfortable touching yourself, engage a partner in the learning process. Set aside time for you to be the focus of attention, and verbally or manually guide your partner’s movements so you both learn what you like.
Is there a “right” kind of orgasm?
Orgasms can be traced to in many parts of the body, but they’re triggered most often through direct clitoral stimulation. Most women do not climax through sexual intercourse alone. If you have a partner who can hit your sweet spot through penetration, great; if not, just use your own hand, a toy, or teach your partner what you need in addition to penetration. There’s no correct way to climax: the right orgasm is any kind you enjoy.
My illustrated brochure, ”Taking the Mystery Out of Female Orgasm,” includes a list of helpful books and online resources. Order yours today!