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What is Sexuality?
February 19, 2009
Sexuality is a major force that affects not only our identity but also how we relate to others in public and private. An understanding of the breadth of what constitutes sexuality will increase your overall sexual satisfaction, not just your satisfaction in bed.
Sexuality is a construct best understood by considering a model created by Dennis Dailey, PhD. The model consists of five interlocking circles representing Intimacy, Sensuality, Sexual Identity, Sexual Health and Reproduction, and Sexualization. Within each circle are several elements, as follows:
- Sensuality involves your level of awareness, acceptance and enjoyment of your own body and others’ bodies. Its components are skin hunger, response to aural/visual stimuli, sexual response cycle, body image and fantasy.
- Intimacy is the degree to which you express and have a need for closeness with another person. Its components are caring, sharing, liking/loving, trust, vulnerability, self-disclosure and emotional risk taking.
- Sexual identity is how you perceive yourself as a sexual being. Its components are biological gender, gender identity, gender role and sexual orientation.
- Sexual health and reproduction relates to your attitudes and behaviors toward your health, childbearing, and the consequences of sexual activity. Its components are sexual behavior, anatomy and physiology, sexually transmitted infection, contraception and abortion (spontaneous or induced).
- Sexualization is the use of sexuality to manipulate or control others. Its components are media images/messages, flirting, seduction, withholding sex, sexual harassment, incest and rape.
None of these elements exists in a vacuum, e.g., a person with a lot of skin hunger – also expressed as a need for physical contact – may be frustrated in a relationship with someone who does not like to touch or be touched.
Personal experiences, values, spiritual beliefs and cultural values shape and affect everything about your sexuality; therein lie some big challenges as you try to mesh the truth about our sexuality with what you’ve been taught is acceptable, expected, pleasurable or healthy.
Ideally, your sexual actions will be congruent with your values and best interests. For example, if you have unprotected sex and value biological parenthood, you need to know how sexually transmitted infections may affect your fertility. Values come into play when you interact with someone whose sexual interests clash with your comfort zone. An older person will benefit from knowing how to accommodate age-related changes in sexual function and physiology.
Sex, Honestly is written to help you better understand sexuality and express your interests, needs, joys, and concerns, whether you are single or partnered. You are welcome to ask me questions and suggest topics that you’re curious about. Sexuality is a fascinating, important topic — let’s explore it together!
Sexualization Survival Tips
February 19, 2009
During one of my workshops on parent-child communication about sex, a mother of an adolescent boy said, “I’m offended that society is forcing so many sexual messages on my son. And I hate the fact that we’re supposed to take it for granted that our children will be sexually active.”
Her distress is understandable, but her assumption is wrong. Yes, children are bombarded with sexual messages, too few of which promote sex with caring and respect, let alone love. But parents needn’t assume their adolescents or teens will be sexually active. Statistically, most teens will have sex of some type by age 17, but many teens choose not to have sex. And those who wait—as well as those who protect their emotional and physical health when they do have sex – often do so because their parents have talked with them about sexual values, decision-making, and consequences.
These conversations are more effective when parents understand the influences and pressures affecting children. A key term is sexualization, which refers to the way sexuality is used, such as in advertising, movies, flirting, seduction, sexual harassment, incest, sexual assault and withholding sex. Sexualization can be positive or negative, e.g., seduction can be an arousing part of a romantic or sexual encounter, or one persona can seduce another into doing something against his or her better judgment. Withholding sex can be a decision to be abstinent, or someone can use sex to assert control, as in, “Until you do this for me, I won’t do that with you.” Parents who understand what sexualization is can help their children understand, respect and enjoy their sexuality in developmentally appropriate ways.
I recently read several books about the impact of sexualization on teens and young adults, and while I recommend them, I encourage you to keep in mind that other research finds that many adolescents and teens are not part of the hook-up culture. So, read these books to be informed, but don’t assume that your adolescents or teens are sexually active. The only way to get that information is to talk to them directly.
Some sample books about the increased sexualization of our culture are:
- Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture, by Ariel Levy
- Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus, by Kathleen A. Bogle
- Pornified: How Pornography is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and our Families, by Pamela Paul
- Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, by Laura Sessions Step
Only Hooking Up and Unhooked focus on teens and college students, but all of the books discuss the impact of changing cultural expectations and technology that have blurred the boundaries between the information and images accessible to adults and children. Pamela Paul points out the inescapable nature of sexual imagery when Victoria’s Secret fashion shows air on prime time and Sports Illustrated magazine feature “swimsuit” models wearing nothing by Latex paint. She also explains how adolescents, who often first view porn between ages 10 and 14, can get caught up in searching for increasingly sexual images that shape perceptions of what sex is and where and how it should be experienced.
Sexual curiosity is nothing new: throughout the ages, young people have experimented with sex. What is new is that today’s adolescents and teens are more open about their behavior, they often approach sex from a very different perspective than their parents’, and our highly sexualized culture creates new pressures and expectations.
Here’s one example of the impact of those pressures: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy commissioned an online survey of 1,280 teens and young adults online last fall and found that 20% of teens have sent or posted naked or semi-naked photos or videos of themselves using cell phones and/or the internet. Nearly 40% of teens have sent suggestive text messages.
Author Pamela Paul speculates that pornography fuel much of this behavior: A teen whose boyfriend or girlfriend looks at porn may compete for attention by sending along his or her own nude photo. Parents who are aware of the trend can discuss it with their children and encourage teens to consider the short- and long-term consequences of sending, receiving and passing along such photos.
While it might be easier for parents to throw up their hands and say, “Nothing I say will make a difference,” parenting comes with the responsibility to look out for children’s best interests. And that often stepping out of your comfort zone to learn about and discuss highly sensitive issues.
Sexualization Survival Tips
The following tips will help you regain a sense of control over the sexual information in your children’s lives:
- Be aware of your surroundings. What kinds of TV do you watch when your children are awake? Which magazines are in the house? Do they reflect the sexual values you want to promote? Are conversations and jokes developmentally appropriate for everyone in the family?
- Understand the issues. It is important to be vigilant about the information your children are exposed to, but it isn’t necessary to panic. These two books provide a different perspective than those introduced earlier:
America’s War on Sex, by Marty Klein, explains that a great deal of the panic Americans feel about sexualization has been inspired by people with sex-negative agendas.
What Every 21st Parent Needs to Know: Facing Today’s Challenges with Wisdom and Heart, by Debra Haffner, discusses drinking, drugs and teen sex in the context of research and statistics. The good news? Most kids are on a healthy track.
- Prioritize your concerns. If you are worried about the level of sexual input in your child’s life, list your areas of concern by order of importance. You may not appreciate an older sibling telling dirty jokes around a younger child, but if someone has downloaded pornographic images onto a family computer accessible to that young child, focus on that issue first.
- Exert your parental right to set limits, censor websites, chaperone parties, monitor emails/texts/cell phone photos and do what it takes to create an environment that you consider enriching and safe for your children.
Above all, stay positive. Sexuality affects nearly every aspect of our lives, and how you talk with your children about it will affect their attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. I encourage you to make your overarching message to your children be one that promotes not fear, but rather the positive and affirming aspects of sexuality.
The Buzz on the Birds and Bees helps parents and guardians learn about and discuss sexuality-related issues that affect children from toddlerhood to young adulthood. Have a question or concern? Contact me and I’ll blog about it. More information is available in my book, “Sexuality Talking Points: A Guide to Thoughtful Conversation between Parents and Children.”